Rehabilitating the porn generation

DEVON MOGG

The smartphone has improved our lives in many ways. However, one of its most damaging effects is the proliferation of pornography, and the effect that easy, instant access to porn is having on our children.

Just how damaging is it?

Dr David Pelcovitz, professor of psychology at Yeshiva University, tackled this issue at last weekend’s Sinai Indaba. He believes we might not know.

“In the age of the smartphone, you can’t do a study on the impact of pornography because you need a control group of males who haven’t been exposed to it. No such group exists,” he said.

But the last such study – of college students in the 1980s – showed that access to porn led to increased callousness towards women, less serious attitudes to rape, and more acceptance of infidelity.

More recent research undertaken by the American Academy of Paediatrics showed that pornography led to increased depression, anxiety, violent behaviour, dysfunctional male-female relationships, and teen pregnancies.

The effect on marriage is no less deleterious.

“Pornography conditions arousal to self-centred, sensually blunted, loveless sex,” said Pelcovitz. “And, unfortunately, the porn mistress is always ready, always willing, reliably sexy, and never says no.”

Yet today, the uncomfortable truth is that most adolescents get their information about sex from pornography.

Pelcovitz relates a rather shocking anecdote to illustrate the extent of the problem.

“In a religious Jewish all-girls school in Manhattan, a teacher discovered some girls in Grade 4 (10-year-olds) exchanging hard-core pornographic material. She immediately told the girls that this was inappropriate behaviour, and confiscated their devices. The girls were bewildered, they did not know what they had done wrong. That evening, the head teacher received a call from an irate and indignant mother. How dare she confiscate her daughter’s phone! The teacher’s pleas were dismissed out of hand. The next day the little girl in question arrived at school with a new iPhone.”

The antidote is what Pelcovitz terms “constructive shame”, in Torah parlance, busha. He emphasises that this shame is not crippling embarrassment that prevents us from moving on with life. “Busha literally means a break in the flow; it’s a stepping back, asking oneself, ‘Is this worthy of my values?’”

The only way to instil a sense of busha in our children, says Pelcovitz, is to have clear, open, and honest channels of communication.

“They need to feel comfortable in being open with us. Many teenagers caught in the web of internet pornography report feeling alone, abandoned, dirty, and that they have no one to speak to.”

Because of the shame and silence, he says, teens don’t receive the adult message that sex is about interpersonal dynamics and connection.

“Pornography is not a pleasant subject, but you have to talk about it. That which cannot be named cannot be put to rest.”

Internet filters and controls are a must, but Pelcovitz also calls for authoritative parenting. He believes that achieving a balance between love and limits is the key to limiting adolescents’ access to porn.

“All love, no limits, and kids grow up to be overindulgent and spoiled. All limits without love leads to rebellion. We need low levels of yelling and criticism. What we want is that our kids internalise our values.”

And when they don’t?

“There are four key words we can use, ‘How are you doing?’ We need to let our children know that we can help them with this, that we love them, and that we believe in them.”

Pictured: David Pelcovitz