We need to address our homophobia

HOWARD FELDMAN

We may try to believe that homophobia is not a problem. But it is. And if there’s any doubt, just spend a morning in studio with me when I report on Tel Aviv Pride, and then read the station’s text line. Simply reporting and discussing it has listeners calling me a “disgrace to my family”, an “abomination”, and telling me that I ought to be ashamed of myself – and I’m not gay. I can hardly imagine what it’s like for someone who is.

On some level, we need to take responsibility for last week’s suicide of a beautiful young boy who couldn’t, among other things, face living in a world that he felt wouldn’t accept him.

In a Facebook post following the incident, his family wrote that one of the difficulties he was having was “struggling with his sexual identity”. And whereas there is no doubt that there is hardly a singular cause of this type of tragedy, this struggle was part of it.

This case is even more tragic because it is not unique. It’s a challenge confronted by anyone who is different.

No one chooses to be gay. Being gay is as much a choice as choosing to be 5ft (1.5m) tall. There might be environmental factors at play in some cases, but for the most part, most people have little control over it.

It’s a randomness of birth.

It makes it all the more perplexing that our response in the past has largely been little more than a shrug of the shoulders, and the expectation that a gay person should simply accept that according to Judaic belief, they will never be allowed to have a real and close relationship, family, and sexual fulfilment – some of the most fundamental aspects of being human. The expectation is that a gay person should simply get on with their life, which essentially means enduring an existence of loneliness and isolation.

Surely, we owe it to people to engage on the subject, and not ignore it in the hope that it will go away. It won’t.

It’s not like orthodox Judaism hasn’t found solutions before. We understand that an “eye for an eye” in scripture denotes financial value, not the removal of the eye. We no longer stone people or pour hot lead down their throats, and we have accepted that whereas in the past, a person who committed suicide couldn’t be buried in a Jewish cemetery, today this is not the case. And yet, when it comes to dealing with homosexuality, there is no desire to even address it.

It’s not to say that schools like King David are not taking great strides in dealing with it. And it’s not to say that there aren’t wonderful orthodox rabbis that are trying to do their best in a very complex and complicated area of Judaic principle.

Following last week’s tragedy, I saw an email by the former head of Bnei Olami (the Bnei Akiva youth movement’s) Israel programme inviting anyone who might be struggling with the challenge of living an orthodox life and being part of the LGBTQ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer/questioning) community, as well as anyone struggling with any other issues, to speak to him. There is finally recognition that this matter is deadly serious.

But sadly, it’s not enough.

Too many orthodox South Africans have left this country because they didn’t believe that they would ever be accepted. Too many G-d-fearing people have left the faith because they felt their faith excluded them. And, too many beautiful young people end their own lives because they can’t imagine living in a world where they are considered an “abomination”.

The tragedy of this young man’s death is all of ours. The pain was discussed and felt wherever I went over the weekend, and yet I wonder how many rabbonim had the courage to address it from the pulpit this past Shabbat? I understand how uncomfortable the conversation is.

I have no idea if there is an elegant solution to this very complex and complicated issue within orthodox Judaism, and I understand that Judaism cannot simply ignore a stringent prohibition.

But we owe it to our children to at least try.

It’s time. It’s time for us to address homophobia in the community. It’s time for us to have the discussions that make us uncomfortable. More than anything, it’s time to tell our children that we will love them no matter what issue they are facing, and not assume that they already know that.