Me, myself, I – how to cope during lockdown on your own

GILLIAN KLAWANSKY

Never has the term “living in uncertain times” been more applicable. And with uncertainty comes anxiety. “People like to know what’s next,” says clinical psychologist Amanda Fortes. “The minute things become unpredictable, we get anxious.” And when you’re alone with your thoughts, such feelings may be amplified.

“Being alone definitely brings an added feeling of heightened stress and anxiety,” says clinical psychologist Lana Kagan Sack. It’s important to acknowledge this, and to know that these feelings are normal and real, says Fortes. Everyone is feeling this way to a certain degree. But for those that live alone, there’s the added concern that that loneliness could set in. “The reality is that loneliness can set in even if you’re not alone,” says Kagan Sack.

Yet, if there’s no one beside you with whom to share your fears and vulnerability, this time can be harder to handle. “Being in that alone space, you need to get flexible and creative about dealing with your personal set of circumstances,” says Kagan Sack. “You must be proactive about asking for help, and about doing what you can to manage the situation,” says Fortes. “In your life, you attract who you are, not what you want. So you need to initiate connection if you want others to do the same for you.”

Technology is an invaluable resource at this time. “Arrange times with friends, family, and loved ones to meet on Zoom or on some kind of online platform to have regular contact to decrease your sense of isolation,” advises Kagan Sack. Yet for some, technology is an inaccessible minefield. “People who are more socially vulnerable are the elderly who are alone a lot. If you have a family member in this situation, ask a neighbour to check in on them at least once a day just to make sure they’re ok, and that they have some contact.” Neighbours can even slip a note under the door.

“We need to show compassion to everybody because in these kinds of instances, we might all be in a similar situation, but our unique baggage creeps up on us in different ways,” says Kagan Sack. And therein lies the worry. “Everything intensifies over this time,” cautions Fortes. Whatever personal issues you were dealing with before, whatever you weren’t happy with will come up as there are less ways to distil your anxiety when you’re alone with your thoughts. That’s why reaching out is so important.

Yet you need not rely only on others to lift your spirits. “Focus on gratitude,” says Fortes. “It’s so important at this time. Each morning, go through the things that you’ve got – food in the fridge, Netflix, your health, and so on. Then relinquish control.” Recognise what you can control, like your own attitude, as opposed to what you can’t, like how the government is handling the pandemic.

Stay away from triggers, advises Fortes. For example avoid a difficult friend or somebody who is negative. “The people you speak to must give you positivity and hope.”

“Spend time talking about positive news, having a laugh, or bringing up positive memories with friends so that you shift attention out of that negative mindset,” says Kagan Sack.

Looking up the latest coronavirus news is a natural way to try to gain a semblance of control, but the minute it starts feeling overwhelming, take a step back. Limit your news consumption to once or twice a day, both experts suggest. “Reality checking is good, but sitting obsessively watching the news or social media doesn’t bode well,” says Kagan Sack. “If you’re noticing that you’re experiencing stress or anxiety, use apps that help with breathing techniques, meditation, and exercise.”

Both psychologists emphasise the importance of routine and of planning the next day. Having a purpose and realising a daily intention is vital, says Fortes. “You don’t want to slip into couch potato mode,” says Kagan Sack. “It leads to demotivation, boredom, bad habits like eating and sleeping more, and all that has a negative effect on our mood. Get up, shower, get dressed, and pay attention to what you’re eating. Those small things improve your energy and sense of well-being.” Taking up a new hobby is also advisable.

Lynn Sherlock Golding, a widow who lives alone, is making the best of the situation. While she’s used to being alone on weekends, she says she misses going to work and interacting with her colleagues.

“It’s not fantastic,” she says, “but it is what it is. I’ve made a list of the things I’ve been wanting to do for a while, and I’m focusing on the fun stuff. My house is a mess, but it’s great because wherever I go, there’s something to do. I have papers, laptops, a puzzle, a diamond dot picture, and more.”

Sherlock Golding has also signed up to the Mzansi Marathon Lockdown Challenge, where she has to complete 42km over 21 days. “I don’t run and I don’t enter anything, but I have a treadmill at home so I entered it for the hell of it. I’m doing 2km to 3km a day, and it keeps me doing physical exercise.” She’s also keeping in touch with friends and family daily, and she’s looking forward to sharing a Zoom Pesach seder with loved ones.

Lockdown can be a great time for personal growth, say the experts. Whether you keep a journal, which is a great tool during this time, or you simply become more conscious of your thoughts and feelings, grab the opportunity to build a happier life.

“How often in your life do you get to be on hold, to just stop?” asks Fortes. “This is a time you get to reassess and ask, ‘What am I doing with myself, what changes can I make, and what do I need to work on?’”

“We all have better and worse days, so don’t feel ashamed,” says Kagan Sack. “We’re not meant to be able to cope perfectly with such an abnormal situation. It’s an extremely difficult time for people, and everybody is feeling it, so don’t hide it. Reach out to friends, family, and mental health professionals and organisations like SADAG (the South African Depression and Anxiety Group) and Lifeline, which are all available over this time.”