All hail the Republic of Glenhazel

It’s time to start issuing passports. Not the ancestral ones like Lithuanian or German or Polish, but from the independent Republic of Glenhazel. It’s time for the Greater Glenhazel Area (GGA) to secede and go it alone.

Like Lesotho.

Cape Town might have toyed with this idea for years. Hout Bay has flirted with the concept since it started catching fish and tourists, and Orania would have loved to. But they make us comfortable. The reality is that if any area would be able to pull it off, it’s the GGA.

It would be surprisingly easy.

For a state to survive and thrive, it needs security, schooling, medical support, electricity, water, and a robust economy. It needs a foreign policy, leadership, and a social infrastructure. With private schooling, private hospitals and doctors, with Hatzolah as support, with CAP keeping a close eye on the criminal element of the country, with the Community Security Organisation responsible for the safety of state installations, and with multiple synagogues, private schools, and infrastructure, the GGA Republic is already putting its tax money to work.

Add private electrification plants atop almost all houses in the area (if not all, then many), with “Jojo” tanks becoming the norm in the backyards across the area, and utilities are well taken care of.

On a practical level, the many road booms and security guards could easily be deployed to man passport control at the entrance to the state, and the neighbourhood dogs could be repurposed to act as customs agents. A simple word to “pimp my pooch”, and the custom bandanas could reflect the colours of GGA. Whatever they are determined to be.

Maybe Jacaranda purple?

Checkers 60/60 riders would be allowed to enter and exit the zone at will and without hindrance.

The new GGA passport would obviously have a “Freezo” embossed on the outside, and passport photos could be taken and then printed at PostNet in Long Avenue. Taxes would be raised through Charidy events, and high school pupils, as part of community service, would be employed to call, call, call, and call anyone who hasn’t yet paid. Payments would be made through Walletdoc.

Pothole identification and reporting would be the responsibility of the over-60-year-old morning walkers, with quality control performed by the sunset crew. They would never be satisfied.

There would be no contested elections because no one would ever agree on leadership. But everyone would concur how terribly everything is being handled. And that leadership is simply not what it used to be.

Because they just don’t make them like that anymore.

The people of GGA would be trained for all eventualities. Combat training and extreme driving courses would be held at the KosherWorld traffic circle, and active hand-to-hand experience would be offered at Moishes, with the advanced training scheduled ahead of Jewish holidays at Freshfellas.

There’s no timeline for succession and for declaration of GGA independence. But what we do know is that it will be later than anticipated.