The tricky art of co-parenting after divorce

Communication, problem-solving, flexibility, decision-making, trust. Ironically, when it comes to divorce or separation, the elements that most likely tore your relationship apart are the ones that underpin effective co-parenting.

Yet there are ways to establish these pillars even in the most acrimonious of splits, said counselling psychologist Dr Ronel Duchen. Duchen discussed positive co-parenting at a talk hosted by Chevrah Kadisha Community Social Services at the David Lopatie Conference Centre on 25 September.

However, Duchen, a mediation and forensics specialist renowned for her work in the field of divorce and children, acknowledged the difficulties that come with co-parenting after a divorce or break-up.

“Usually, the reason why a relationship or marriage doesn’t continue is because there’s a problem with communication,” she said. “There isn’t the capacity to make a plan, to get that communication going, and to sort things out one way or another.”

Yet, she said, the Children’s Act compels co-parents to make decisions together. It says that with all major decisions in a child’s life, be it around education, medical care, and so on, parents must give due consideration to each other’s views and wishes and to those of the child.

“Many relationships break down because of a violation of trust in one way or another, and it’s so easy then to think, ‘I can’t trust this person’,” Duchen said. “Yet, if we can’t trust them as a partner, it doesn’t necessarily mean that we can’t trust them as a co-parent.”

Prioritising the child’s needs is vital. “Shift your focus off the two of you, and onto the best interests of the children, which is what really matters in these situations,” Duchen said.

Divorce or separation is never clear cut, especially because in many cases, there are still feelings involved, positive and negative, Duchen said. “It’s not that you just flick the switch and you go from all to nothing. There’s a level of discomfort that comes with the mixed feelings parents have for one another.”

The most volatility between couples in her practice emanates because of residual feelings and a lack of clarity around the relationship. “It creates a level of inconsistency that’s incompatible with trying to create a co-parenting relationship,” she said. “That’s because the premise of a co-parenting relationship is that you drop the personal relationship and sustain a co-parenting and a financial relationship.” If you’re lucky, you can sustain some form of friendship, yet the intimate-partner relationship cannot continue, and there must be clarity about that.

Even with clarity, feelings can become overwhelming in the process of a split, especially when new partners enter the equation, so aiming for consistency is key, she said. “Find a way to create a space that you can put in between you, realise how far you want your relationship to go with one another, and keep that fairly consistent. The goal is to be able to be neutral when you engage with one another, but one has to find that level of resolution within yourself and between one another in order to get that done.” Consistency builds trust.

You need to be willing to work on yourself in line with this goal. “One person can, to a certain extent, take the lead and define the distance between themselves and their ex. If one person stays steady, the other can try and move up and down, but the manoeuvring space is quite limited,” she said.

Even within the happiest of relationships, differences in parenting style can cause discord, and this is naturally amplified should the couple separate. “The parenting relationship, which must continue even when you split up, is now difficult because there isn’t agreement about how to deal with the children,” said Duchen. The consequence is that you create two different worlds for the child, which can be damaging.

“So, there’s a need to find a way of bringing the way in which co-parents raise children closer together. If this is a problem, you have to at least build consensus in terms of the principles that you’re both going to use to raise the children. Even if you can just agree on two or three major things, it helps. There’s no requirement for 100% overlap. Even if you live in one home, you’re never going to have such agreement in terms of how to raise children. It’s about saying, ‘Let’s just find a way that’s effective, and let’s both try and buy into that and move it forward.’”

You need to realise how the other parent operates. If they’re impulsive and change their mind later, factor that into the co-parenting relationship to limit disagreements. Knowing what to expect from your ex-partner in terms of behaviour and being sensitive to that can help to promote understanding and limit conflict.

Unless there’s a real threat of harm to the child, co-parents also need to accept that they cannot control everything that goes on in the other home, Duchen said. There can be numerous reasons why children act out when they’re transferred to the other parent’s home, so keep in touch with what may be causing concerning behaviour.

“It’s so much easier to see somebody else’s mistakes than to see your own,” said Duchen. “You need to focus on creating the best possible home environment and being the best possible parent when your child is with you.

“Families work as a system, and when children act out of sorts, each person in the system plays a role in creating that anxiety,” Duchen said. “This means that everybody must work together in getting the child settled. It’s not necessarily a problem that lies on the other side of the fence.”

Though flexibility is important, there has to be a clear plan in place in terms of the co-parenting arrangement, she said. “The removal of uncertainty out of interactions and plans is valuable. If everybody knows what’s happening, everybody will be calmer and deal with things better.”

Understanding your child is also key, Duchen said. “It’s not just about looking for the problem between the two of you as parents and blaming one another, sometimes it’s understanding that a problem may lie with the child.” Children today experience high levels of anxiety. Parents must be cognisant of that and of deeper childhood issues that may arise.

“You have to find a strategy to make joint decisions,” Duchen said. “If your communication is just slightly off balance, you need to tweak it and establish clear ground rules, which can fix many issues. Remember, each child deserves to have a sense of family.”