A Father’s Day gift for sons

I was surprised to learn that Father’s Day wasn’t celebrated as a holiday until 1972, 58 years after the origin of Mother’s Day. It seems the reason for this was that for much of the 20th century, fathers were just seen as men – men who went out into the world to protect and provide while mothers stayed home to nurture and care.

Traditional stereotypes about fathers and fatherhood are changing. The role of the mother as the primary caregiver and the father as the sole bread winner are becoming less predominant. Fathers are increasingly taking on active roles in their children’s lives. However, serious challenges still exist.

As a therapist, I find it astounding that so many boys and men in 2023 still perceive seeing a therapist as a sign of weakness. Feelings of despair, fear, and helplessness are still supressed. The biggest challenge for so many men and boys is that they feel that it’s not okay to be vulnerable. There’s no doubt that being vulnerable can be difficult for girls and women as well. However, girls are given permission from infancy to express vulnerability, while boys are often regarded as weak, feminine, or overly sensitive if they do so.

Understandably, cultural issues have played a role. Generations of men have been absent due to the impact of war and work, which have taken a toll. Boys have been taught that to survive, you have to be tough, strong, and competitive.

Over the years, my clients have taught me the enormous cost of suppression of feelings, and the extremely destructive impact it can have on one’s physical and emotional health. It’s vitally important to protect the future emotional health of our boys, the fathers of the future. Acknowledging, owning, accepting, and expressing vulnerability is without doubt the best way to do this.

So how do fathers teach their sons that they can feel, express, and show vulnerability?

An important place to start is to make it safe for them to share their feelings. The best way to do this is for fathers to listen actively to their sons. Instead of listening to solve a problem, this type of active listening requires empathy and non-judgement. Sometimes our anxiety as a parent leads us to being reactive when our children feel upset. We often underestimate the cathartic power of just listening and reflecting thoughts and feelings.

It’s also beneficial to show affection openly towards sons. Hold them, hug them, and kiss them. Fathers who react with warmth and greater sensitivity to a child are significantly more likely to have children with a better emotional balance from infancy to adolescence. These children are linked, in turn, with higher levels of social competence, peer relationships, and resilience.

Modelling emotional vulnerability for sons is also very powerful. When fathers are comfortable with their emotions and express feelings in a proactive way, boys watch and model this healthy emotional habit. Create a culture in your home of not keeping difficult thoughts and feelings to oneself. It’s not enough to encourage our sons to share their inner worlds. The men they look up to and respect need to show them how it’s done while being careful not to burden them with adult problems that could overwhelm them.

Clinical research continues to conclude that loving and engaged fathers are fundamentally important for the health, well-being, and development of their children. That influence begins as soon as a baby is born, and extends into teenage years and adulthood. There’s still much more work to be done around this issue, but already the importance of emotionally sensitive dads is difficult to overstate.

To best protect our children’s mental health, particularly our sons, we want them to understand that being strong isn’t about not being vulnerable. The irony is that it takes those stereotypical “manly” traits of courage, strength, and determination to be vulnerable. On this Father’s Day, let’s thank our dads for everything they do for us, but also challenge them to confront the traditional stereotypes of masculinity so they can nurture their sons into emotionally healthy fathers of the future.

• David Abrahamsohn is a clinical psychologist in private practice.