Are you keeping your apples too close to the tree?

Your precious children may be the apple of your eye, but by doing everything for them, you’re effectively disempowering them. This so-called “helicopter parenting” is the “murder-one offense” of parenting styles, say experts.

“Our job is to equip our kids with the skills to take on their lives and become independent, yet we’re doing just the opposite,” says Dr Ken Resnick, an educational psychologist and founder of the SmartChoiceParenting programme. “I call it a pandemic of overcompassionate, overprotective, mollycoddling parents.”

Identifying a strong correlation between parenting styles and negative behavioural patterns in children, Resnick’s evidence-based programme has shown that parents play a vital role in guiding their child to adulthood.

Though we may wish to shield our children from unpleasant experiences, we also want them to feel good about themselves. Yet, by helicopter parenting, our actions are having the opposite effect. “Our children are growing up lacking self-esteem,” says Resnick. “Self-esteem is being independent. Yet they’re doing only what they want to and avoiding challenges because somebody is always there to help them.”

This results in what Resnick terms “learned helplessness”, in which children, for example, stop trying or listening at school, because they know a parent or tutor will always be there to pick up the slack. “One of the biggest consequences of this is that these kids have no grit or determination, which is key to success in life,” says Resnick. As a result, he argues, far too many children land up in various therapies or special classes with limited results.

Parenting coach Laura Markovitz elaborates. “When we hover, kids have the constant sense that we’re watching and listening, that we will get involved, fix it, and sort things out. The message therefore being conveyed is that they don’t have the capability to think and problem solve for themselves.”

It’s important to draw a distinction between a natural impulse to protect our children and becoming overprotective. “Parents who hover are often overcontrolling, shield their children from certain discussions, and may do tasks for them or place too much pressure on them to succeed,” says educational psychologist Lee-Anne Lewis.

“This may limit their children’s ability to develop in an age-appropriate manner and to individuate. Children with ‘helicopter parenting’ may have difficulties with problem solving, with decision making, with navigating healthy social interactions, and with being able to cope or adapt when necessary.”

Though parents should give children the security of knowing they will love and support them no matter what, they also need to ensure that their children learn how to deal with failure and disappointment – inevitable aspects of life. “Children learn to get through difficult things by going through them,” says Markovitz.

Empathy is a fundamental place to start, she says, by reflecting on what your child may be going through rather than how you feel about what they’re experiencing.

“For example, if they’re not picked for a sports team, meet your child where they are at with things like, ‘How do you feel about it? I can imagine you are feeling sad about this. I understand, and am here for you if you need to chat.’ This option gives the child the space to know that it’s normal to feel whatever they feel about the situation.

“They need to know that perceived failure is unpleasant, we don’t want to minimise it, but we also don’t want it to define them. We can ask our kids, ‘Why do you think you didn’t make it? Does it feel fair/unfair?’ Given support and time to talk about it, we then have more room to reflect on what to do about the situation and empower our child to handle it.”

“Parents need to give their children age-appropriate autonomy to make their own choices,” says Lewis.

Resnick agrees. “You’ll find that an overprotected kid never makes a choice,” he says. “They’re learning nothing, so they don’t know how to deal with certain situations, which is why many of them have social problems and are anxious.

“If they can, they must,” says Resnick. He suggests giving your six-year-old money to buy bread and milk while you observe them from the back of the shop. “Parents say it’s such a dangerous world, and of course it is, but you’ve decided to have that child and he’s got to deal with that world. If you’re going to keep him inside until he’s 18 and then put him in that world, he won’t make it.”

Ultimately making kids feel safe and raising them to be good human beings isn’t about shielding them from the world, it’s about instilling discipline. This doesn’t mean smacking, it means putting clear boundaries in place. “There’s got to be structure, routine, rules, and consequences. There’s got to be a boundary of respect between the authority figure – the parent – and the child.”

It starts with having a calm but firm attitude. “There are a lot of really stressed-out parents – especially mothers who still tend to oversee much of the childcare responsibilities – out there,” says Resnick. Yet, if you’re screaming or out of control, your kids will feel the same way. By managing your reactions and parenting style, you will raise a secure child who learns to make empowered choices.

Sarit Glickman, a self-confessed mollycoddling mother who completed Resnick’s programme, agrees. “In tackling issues with my kids, no one ever asked, ‘How are you parenting your child?’ which is so obvious in hindsight. When your kids are acting out or aren’t coping at school, you have to look at yourself as parents to see what you’re doing.”

Learning to regain control as a parent was key, she says. “My children are learning that their choices have consequences – their behaviour controls the outcome. I expected so little from my kids before, I felt like I had to protect them and do everything for them. Yet, I was making them completely dependent, making them feel like they weren’t capable. Just changing how we parented, changed my kids’ behaviour overnight.”