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Bar and bat mitzvah: lavish affair or low-key simcha?
“Our whole family were invited to a bat mitzvah, even though we hardly knew the girl. She was in my daughter’s class. It made a Hollywood wedding look cheap,” said a Johannesburg mom. “They brought out a band from overseas and had hundreds of people there. The bat mitzvah girl and her mom were wearing designer clothes and changed at least twice. I could go on, but there was nothing spiritual about it. It was all about being bigger, better, fancier and the event of the year.”
TALI FEINBERG
This simcha is part of a worldwide trend for bar and bat mitzvah celebrations to be lavish affairs, with international band performances, top photographers and videographers, abundant decor and food, and hundreds of guests.
But where, in all this, is the special ceremony, the spirituality, the coming of age and the essence of Judaism? It is all about over-abundance, competitiveness, one-upmanship and waste – in a country where poverty is rife and economic stress is at an all-time high.
Discussions by Jewish parenting groups on Facebook about lavish bar and bat mitzvahs show that there are various opinions on the topic. One mother comments: “There is no right or wrong. If you enjoy the event from the moment you start planning until it’s all over, that’s all that matters.”
Says another: “Whatever you spend, if you haven’t got a vibe, you have nothing.”
Is there pressure on parents to host a lavish affair?
“There is tremendous pressure for kids to have big functions. There are expectations that the bigger the function, the more presents the kids will get,” says Vicky Krengel, who recently celebrated her son’s bar mitzvah. “It’s important to be realistic about what you can handle emotionally and financially, and about what your child can handle. Know that if you put together a ‘wow’ affair, the pressure is even greater on the follow-up parents.”
While everyone wants to create a memorable event on such a happy occasion, there are ways to keep it contained. Johannesburg mother Jodi Brown shares her experience: “We are a frum family, not large, but my son and daughter are 11 months apart. So, when it came time for their functions, we kept it small.
“The simchot were a week apart and we only had very close friends and family. My kids had their friends from school and we did the décor ourselves. Our menu was a drop and go. We had a deejay but no photographer or videographer – we took the pictures ourselves.
“I do not believe that it is necessary to spend a lot for this kind of function. People are simply trying to outdo each other. Life is expensive enough without squandering thousands of rands on trying to be better than the Joneses.”
Rabbonim and schools can provide guidance on this. For example, a letter was sent out at one school to be mindful that not everybody is in a position to afford a huge party. One rabbi told a mother that “people have lost their way and become so caught up with the wrong things when planning a bar mitzvah. It becomes all about the bar and not about the mitzvah!”.
On the other hand, explains Rabbi Mendel Rabinowitz of Greenside Shul, “it’s a complicated issue”.
“Just as we cannot prescribe what cars people drive and holidays they go on, we can’t tell people what to spend on a bar mitzvah.” However, he invites parents to share their concerns when their son starts his bar mitzvah training.
In his 30 years as a rabbi, he has seen a trend towards over-indulgence and a lack of focus on the religious nature of a bar mitzvah. But just last week, he adds, a family hosted a brocha at his shul followed by a small party which “really set the tone” for similar functions to follow. Commending that family, Rabbi Rabinowitz feels the real “game-changer” will occur when a family who could host a lavish event chooses to host a low-key one.
Says Chief Rabbi Warren Goldstein: “A bar or bat mitzvah is one of the most significant milestones in a person’s life. It’s the moment that we enter into the full world of mitzvot as an adult Jew. It’s therefore something to celebrate because we are happy to embrace our role, our mission and our responsibilities as a member of the Jewish people.
“The meaning of a bar or bat mitzvah needs to come from the spiritual connection and new beginning that a person embarks upon. It’s wonderful to celebrate this because it shows how much we love our Judaism. On the other hand, the celebration should be an expression of the momentous, spiritual milestone that is being achieved, and therefore should be in the spirit of meaning and holiness.
“It’s a real tragedy for people to place themselves under terrible financial pressure in order to have the most elaborate party. Our sages in the Talmud teach us about the importance of the fact that Judaism needs to be accessible to every person, no matter their level of financial capability. Judaism cannot be for the few and for the rich. It needs to be for everybody.
“A bar or bat mitzvah is the legacy of every Jewish boy and girl. As a community, we should work towards greater modesty in this area so that it is more in keeping with the spirit of the milestone, as well as ensuring that it remains an experience that is accessible to all and that shouldn’t impose financial affliction on anybody.
“The most important part of a bar or bat mitzvah is the spiritual content and the connection to the mitzvot and our Judaism. The party should be an appropriate and modest expression of the joy that comes with that.”