Becoming a mom after 40

GILLIAN KLAWANSKY

Although there are increased risks of pregnancy complications after 40, these are not dramatic, Koll says. It all depends on whether or not the woman has pre-existing medical conditions.

“If the patient is very healthy, has a reasonable level of fitness, isn’t excessively overweight, and has no medical problems like blood pressure issues or diabetes, then the risks are actually very low. If they do, however, then the risks rise considerably – gestational diabetes and hypertension are more common here. Ultimately, it’s still an individual’s choice as long as they understand the risks.

“The vast majority of pregnancies over 40 will be normal. The statistics are still on your side,” Koll says.

Well-known clinical and organisational psychologist, Dorianne Weil, AKA Dr D, who herself became a mom to twins after 40, agrees that older moms have become more prevalent. Her insights, largely based on research and professional work with older mothers, are also coloured by her own experience. “In the past 20 years, the number of women having children in their 40s has tripled,” says Dr D. “The number of moms between 20 and 24 has fallen exponentially. Becoming a mother is now more associated with whether the time is right for you, rather than with your biological clock.

“Many think older moms would lack energy or be impatient, but there’s much contrary research about that. Having children older is, in fact, associated with a longer life, according to scientific research.”

The advantages of having children later include a more established career and a better chance of returning to work, she says. “There’s also almost no doubt that if you had your children later, you really wanted them. You probably took a good look at your reasons, and you had a clearer idea of what role you, your husband/partner, and help would play. I have found that you’re less apologetic about asking for help, as you’re likely to be more assertive and confident.”

This also means you’re potentially more honest with your kids, and willing to admit your mistakes, which means they learn from your example.

On the downside, says Dr D, you probably won’t be around for as long as you’d like for your grandchildren. There’s also much more worry about the pregnancy, the birth itself, and the baby, as risks increase.

Asked about other trends associated with later parenting, Dr D says you’re generally unlikely to sweat the small stuff. “You have a bit of perspective, having been through quite a bit yourself. You know your priorities. But conversely, you can also be anxious about doing everything right.”

For actress Gina Shmukler, having a child at 43 allowed her to establish and cement her career. “Waiting wasn’t a conscious decision, I just always thought I’d be able to have children when I felt it was my time. I was living in New York and I was very career driven. I got married in my mid-30s, and when my husband and I decided we were going to try and fall pregnant, I’d just turned 39.” Yet, Shmukler landed a role in Mamma Mia, and she and her husband decided to wait another year. “Through reflexology, acupuncture, and an amazing doctor in Cape Town, we ultimately had a child naturally,” she says.

“I think one possibly parents more consciously as an older parent. You certainly know you’ve been given an amazing gift. For me, when I was ready to have kids, it was something that I really wanted. I felt that I’d had an entire life before I had a child – a very rich, challenging, passionate, and fulfilling life. I’m always going to be a working mom because I love my work, but now I love both – motherhood and my career.”

Joanne Abel never dreamed she’d have a child after 40. She also never expected to do it alone. Abel’s husband passed away when she was two-months pregnant. “It was hard for me to absorb the sudden shock of that, but I realised that I could become a victim or a survivor. I don’t think I had a choice. Being older also helped me because there was a maturity about it. I didn’t want to give birth to a child in miserable circumstances. G-d gives you the inner strength to cope and move forward.”

Today Abel has a beautiful little girl who’s almost six. “She’s very happy, confident, and well adjusted,” she says. “My parenting style is different to what it would be if I was younger. There’s pros and cons to both. I’m also a teacher, so I see it from both sides. I think one has the maturity, being older, to deal with a lot. Just the energy levels are lower, but fortunately, I’m very fit. I’m very lucky to have travelled a lot, and done a lot in my life prior to having her, so there’s no mid-life crisis looming! I’m very spiritual, and I believe that everything happens for a reason. She’s a miracle child. I could have had nothing, and I’m just so blessed.”

For Dalia Segal, having a child after 40 was a conscious decision. “I hadn’t met anyone, and I always said to myself that I’d try to fall pregnant alone at 40 if nothing had changed,” she says. Yet, she delayed it and only set the wheels in motion at 42, when a friend gave her the kick she needed, encouraging her to live with no regrets. “I always planned to wait for a sign,” says Segal. “When I did eventually go to Vitalab [a centre for assisted conception], they said that because I was 42, the chances weren’t great. But, at the first scan, they found I had so many eggs for someone over 40 – more than some 20-year-olds. There was my sign.” Segal had IVF, and fell pregnant. Now, her daughter Eva-Rose is seven months old.

“She’s changed my life,” says Segal. “I’m a playschool teacher, so I’ve been with kids for a long time, but it’s totally mindblowing how different it is when it’s your own. I do think I’m a calmer mom being older, but then I’m a calm person. I’ve done it by myself, but I’ve been blessed with so much help.”

Being a teacher, Segal also thinks she’s a bit more streetwise and cautious than younger moms. “I’m not neurotic, but you’ve heard so many more stories, so if there is something worrying my baby, I do get it checked out straight away, whereas some young moms I know don’t always [do that]. Ultimately though, the kind of mom you are just reflects who you are.”