Choosing the end to their love story

COVID-19 has taken many community stalwarts in the past few weeks. Just two are my in-laws Barney and Esther Singer, who celebrated their 65th wedding anniversary on 27 December 2020. It was the last simcha they would spend together.

They passed away five days apart – Barney on 31 December 2020 and Esther on 5 January 2021.

Barney, a chartered accountant, was a travel industry stalwart and a fierce Zionist who won numerous awards here and in Israel. Amongst his many achievements, he was life vice-chairperson of the South African Zionist Federation Cape Council, he won the prestigious Jerusalem Award, the Yakir Award, and the Colleagues of Virilist Award, awarded by the World Zionist Congress.

Born in Keetmanshoop in Namibia, he was also a staunch socialist who actively participated in the fight against apartheid and its injustices. I have on occasion met political leaders who tell stories of secret, late-night meetings, and Barney’s levelheadedness, kindness, and insistence on fairness.

We’ve all heard the “Jewish moms and their sons” jokes. And then there’s the standard mom and daughter-in-law quips. Add an Afrikaans girlfriend and a last-born son to the mix, well, needless to say, I was slightly apprehensive when I was invited to Shabbat dinner at Esther and Barney the first time.

But, whether it was the covert training by her sisters, the fact that she could see I was smitten with her son, or simply that she and I complemented each other so well, Esther made me part of the family from that moment on.

Twenty years have passed, and we’ve shared only love, warmth, generosity, and the mildly obsessive belief that if there’s music, there has to be dancing.

A few years ago, we decided to keep our parents living comfortably in their apartment in Sea Point at the sunset stage of their lives. It had been their home for the past 27 years. Esther and Barney had in-home carers who looked after them lovingly. We were extremely strict about visitors, and tried our best to keep them safe. They were both well and healthy for their ages – Barney was 97 and Esther was 92.

It’s likely that during a change of shift, the virus entered their space. When the carer started showing symptoms, we brought in new staff and monitored Esther and Barney’s health carefully. We were astounded that after a couple of days, they weren’t showing any symptoms. In fact, we used the words “dodged a bullet”.

A few days later, on 29 December, Esther’s birthday, we popped in to say hello, and noticed that Barney was lethargic, feverish, and his breathing was shallow. After a few hours, we called the Community Security Organisation (CSO), which arrived within minutes. After giving him oxygen, they suggested that he go to hospital.

An ambulance arrived shortly, it drove around to various hospitals which diverted them as they were full. They managed to secure a bed for Barney at Somerset Hospital, where they stabilised him and took good care of him. Sadly, his body wasn’t strong enough to fight the virus, and he passed away after two days. It was heartbreaking to tell Esther that her partner of 65 years had died two days after her birthday.

Barney’s funeral took place the next day. Due to the fact that Esther was COVID-positive, she was unable to attend the funeral. She sat in the car at the cemetery, masked, with her windows closed, as we buried her life partner.

It was during this time that Esther started showing mild symptoms. With expert advice from friends, her doctors, and the care of her children, we managed to keep her stable at home. We joked that we ran a very effective in-home intensive-care unit.

Perhaps the realisation of the passing of her beloved Barney and the thought of living without him increased the impact of the disease on her body, and we made a decision to call the CSO, which sent a Netcare ambulance. When it arrived, they suggested that she be admitted as the oxygen levels in her blood were dropping.

Again, there was concern about the availability of hospital beds, and again, with the help of friends and our doctors, she was admitted to Cape Town Mediclinic. She spent the first night there, and medical staff were pleased with how well she responded.

On her second evening there, we called her to say goodnight, she sounded strong and said she was waiting for her tea. When we received the dreaded call 45 minutes later, it came as a terrible shock. We were expecting her to pull through. Perhaps the thought of spending her remaining days without Barney was too much to bear. Esther was buried next to her beloved the following day.

Barney and Esther are survived by their children Leon, Jill, and Brian, and their families, including five grandchildren. Ultimately, they chose the ending to their love story. They were inseparable in life and now in death. We find peace and grace in the Igbo quote, “When death finds you, may it find you alive.”

• Lee-Anne Singer is marketing director at the Singer Group