Control, WhatsApp, delete – the dark art of privacy

There are two types of people in the world: those who are happy for their WhatsApp phone contacts to see when they were last seen, and those who are having extra-marital affairs. Or at the very least, have something to hide.

They are the people who have turned off their “read receipts” in case they provide a revealing window into their world.

A few years ago, I bumped into a woman I know but whom I preferred not to see. “Howard!” she said, in an unnaturally high pitched, annoying voice, “I’ve been trying to get hold of you!” I stared at her, waiting for the pain to end. “I’ve called, sent messages, but it doesn’t seem to go through!” “Yes,” I responded calmly, “It’s because I blocked you.” It was her turn to stare for a moment. Which was just the time I need to “carpe diem” away from her.

When I recounted the story to my wife, I was shocked to hear “we don’t do that”, and that it would have been preferable to feign confusion about why her messages had failed to reach me. I apparently should even have made a show of looking at my phone in wonder, while saying, “So strange, no messages have come through.”

Our use of technology says more about us than we might think. How we engage with the communication tools available to us is an indication of several factors that provide insight about our stresses, irritations, and pastimes.

There are some who have good reason to hide their “read receipts” and “last seen”. Doctors and psychologists get a pass. Impatient patients might not be able to cope with knowing that their message has been seen, read, and not responded to. And teachers and school principals have good reason, seeing that parents are in some cases not able to conceive of the idea that the educator might be busy with something or someone else other than their darling.

And finally, teenagers, until 18 at the least, have the right to hide from their parents. Parents who honestly have no reason to know everything about everything. But for people in finance or technology or regular, run-of-the-mill moms, dads, and developers, there’s little reason to keep movements hidden.

I asked around. And was surprised by what I heard. “Mark” – not his real name – told me he has “last seen” and “read receipts” on for everyone but one friend who can send him a bunch of messages and then get irritated that he hasn’t answered immediately. “Stacey” – not her real name – told me that she switched it off because her boss drives her mad; and “Steven” – not his real name – her boss, who was sitting next to her, said he turned it off because no-one needed to know his business. He claimed not to be having an affair.

“Private setting” people care about what other people think. They prefer to remove the information rather than have someone be upset with them. They would rather no-one know when their message was read than let them know that the message was opened, but there was neither the time nor the interest in replying.

WhatsApp etiquette won’t be found in The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette. Like so much in our ever-changing world, it’s up to us to forge ahead, find a way, and determine what does and doesn’t make sense. And whereas telling someone that you have blocked them might not be for everyone, I can confirm that doing just that at least once is arguably one of the most liberating and invigorating experiences imaginable.