Cyber and social bullying most prevalent at our schools

TALI FEINBERG

Abelson acknowledges that bullying exists in all schools, but she experienced it at a Jewish school. In particular, she says, “Jewish schools can be harsh because there is a certain mould you need to fit into. If not, the nastiness comes out. I was bullied purely because I was different. I was seen as an alien.”

Abelson has discussed her story with many parents, and her sense is that bullying is much worse today because of cellphones. “At least when I was at school, I experienced it from only morning to afternoon, Monday to Friday. Home was my safe space. But now with phones, kids can never escape it,” she says. Indeed, according to a recent global survey, South Africa has the fourth highest rate of cyber bullying in the world.

Twenty years later, Abelson still hears those bullies’ voices in her head. It has made her want to stop bullying in its tracks by sharing her story at schools, shuls, youth groups, and anyone who will hear it. While she receives enthusiastic responses from schools and parents initially, few have followed through by asking her to present her story.

“It’s not being discussed. Just like our community is starting to talk about sexual abuse, we need to talk about bullying. We need to be active, build programmes, and talk about it. I have huge dreams about this.”

Many feel disillusioned, however. For Sarah*, the mother of Jane*, the only solution was to remove her daughter from the school she was in. “Around the time of her Batmitzvah, Jane cut her hair short and told me she thought she was different,” said Sarah.

“That’s when the homophobic bullying started. She got an anonymous SMS calling her a ‘f**king lesbian’, she saw graffiti in the girls’ bathroom saying ‘Jane is a faggot’, and someone wrote the word ‘fag’ in block letters on her locker. It was devastating, but the worst part was that the school wouldn’t do anything, and made no effort to find the culprits,” recalls Sarah.

At the end of Grade 9, the school counsellor recommended that Jane be removed from this environment. Her parents had always offered to take her out of the school, but she felt that if she left, the bullies would have won.

Yet one night at the Shabbat table, she told her father that she wanted to leave. Although her parents tried very hard to meet her teachers and the school principal, nothing was done. They pulled their daughter out of the school, and she completed Grades 11 and 12 at a different school. She is happy, accepted, and “is a different child”.

“Her new principal says she can’t believe the school let a girl like this go,” says her mother. “But they lost her because of hate. There is definitely a thread of homophobia, racism, and sexism in Jewish schools, and it needs to be dealt with the same way kids who act in protest of Israel are punished.”

So, what are our schools doing to combat bullying? “Each and every pupil has rights, namely to feel safe, to learn and grow, to be respected, to be valued, and to be different. However, with rights come responsibilities, namely: to respect yourself, to respect others, to use common sense, to support others, and to show compassion and understanding,” says Geoff Cohen, Director of Education at United Herzlia Schools.

If bullying is identified, “the school’s response should be sensitive, and we need to be aware of not bullying the bully. We always need to investigate the situation. In all cases, the consequences should be determined by the severity of the bullying, the age of the pupil, and the prior history.”

The school aims to include measures to prevent – as well as remediate – bullying. These can range from peer-mediation programmes to counselling and assertiveness training. The consequences of bullying range from contracts and written warnings to withdrawal of privileges, community service, suspension, even expulsion.

“King David Schools have very comprehensive bullying policies. Internal surveys of parents and students indicate that there is minimal physical bullying, with most bullying being relational, emotional, and cyber in nature,” says Rabbi Craig Kacev, the Director of the South African Board of Jewish Education.

“Research indicates that school staff probably witness only 4% of bullying incidents and, as such, the school is dependent on students reporting incidents,” he says. “If they are reported, they are investigated and responded to by the school leadership and social services. Very often the schools hear of these incidents when it is too late to intervene meaningfully.”

Kacev says that the most difficult forms of bullying to respond to are those of social exclusion and cyber bullying. “The school is not able to force students to be friends with other children against their will, and most social interaction occurs after school hours. Likewise, the ubiquitous nature of social media leads to a tremendous amount of bullying on chat groups and the like which occur on weekends or in the evenings.

“Much of what is called bullying today is conflict, which still needs to be dealt with in schools, yet is too quickly escalated to being termed bullying. There is no doubt that in order to respond effectively to all forms of bullying, a team effort is required in which parents and schools give the same message, educating for kindness, empathy, and caring. Let us not forget that children learn behaviours from the adult role models in their lives,” Kacev says.

*Names have been changed to protect anonymity

• Zara Abelson can be contacted about her presentation on bullying at zara@zarios.co.za