Ditch ‘the talk’ and discuss sex from day one

Long considered an awkward but necessary discussion that parents stumble through with their kids, discussions about sex shouldn’t happen in isolation, say experts.

By teaching our kids about their bodies throughout their lives, explanation about the intricacies of intimacy becomes more natural, not jarring and cringeworthy, they say.

“If we want to raise children who are empowered through their sexuality and enable them to go on to build deep bonds through their adult lives, we need to start discussing sex with them from birth,” says sex and intimacy coach Galya Falkson, who recently released a guidebook titled The Complete Parent’s Guide for Children of All Ages: Developing a Healthy Relationship with Sex.

“Don’t let outdated stigma and fear about discussing sexuality with your children hold you back from creating strong connections and building empowered individuals,” she says.

Her contention echoes contemporary thinking. “Having one big talk when you haven’t covered the basics will be difficult and overwhelming,” educational psychologist Claudia Abelheim says. “If you create an environment at home in which things like body parts and their functions, how our bodies change, the difference between boys’ and girls’ bodies, and what’s private and so on are discussed freely from an early age, it will happen in a very natural way.”

“The ‘sex talk’ is an outdated construct,” says clinical psychologist Yael O’Reilly. “We rather think about sexuality as being a developmental process, one that has a stacked approach. Having micro conversations over the years about body safety – mine versus yours – which evolves into what’s safe and unsafe behaviour, will pave the way for us to answer the ‘bigger’ questions around sex, puberty, and sexuality as we have created a foundation of trust, knowledge, and information. As there isn’t one big conversation, small bits of information can be imparted over many years.”

Falkson lays out such an approach in her guide, which empowers parents to create open, holy, and healthy conversations around sexuality. “We encourage that, from a young age, children are taught in developmentally appropriate stages,” she explains. “As they get older, we add more and more information so that they have the full picture by the time they can understand, instead of one big talk that scares and possibly confuses them more.” As kids go through the stages of development, a lack of understanding about what their bodily changes mean and how to manage them can be detrimental. Open conversations to promote a healthy understanding are key.

Yet, if you haven’t provided an incremental grounding and feel it’s time to broach the subject, just how should you do it? “I always suggest asking older kids what they already know since they have been exposed to friends, television, and the internet by then, so they most likely have an idea about sex, but it may not be a healthy or good one at all,” says Falkson.

In today’s world with the prevalence of social media and other online platforms, our children are exposed to much more, much earlier, increasing the importance of the role parents play in sex education.

“We cannot control what our kids are hearing and seeing online or what their friends tell them,” says Abelheim. “Yet, when kids hear about sex from their parents, they come to know that their parents are reliable sources of information and that they don’t need to look anywhere else. We can’t stop the negative messages that they may receive from society, but it’s important that we give them a different age-appropriate viewpoint shaped by our family values.”

O’Reilly agrees. “If we can be our children’s compass so that they can navigate the sometimes confusing and overwhelming world that they encounter online, we can ensure their emotional and physical safety as much as possible,” she says.

When broaching the subject with older children, meet them where they’re at, says Falkson. “Ask what they know, correct the things that aren’t appropriate or real, and add information without overwhelming them,” she suggests. “As time passes, continue the conversation naturally using everyday experiences.”

Often our children may initiate the conversation, especially when they’re young and curious. “Generally, children will ask a question when they are ready for the answer, and won’t stop asking until they’re satisfied,” says O’Reilly. “So, when your child has a question, do your best to answer it and wait to see if there’s a follow-up question. Because this is a sensitive and often uncomfortable topic, we tend to either shy away from answering truthfully or launch into explanations that the child isn’t necessarily asking for or ready for. A child who asks where babies come from isn’t necessarily asking about sex, so we can answer in very fact-based, biological terms.”

Nevertheless, discussing sex with our kids can be a minefield. “It’s alright to acknowledge any awkwardness with our kids and tell them that we’ll navigate it together, because sometimes the important things in life are uncomfortable to do, and that’s ok,” she says. “Sometimes using tangible aids can assist in decreasing awkwardness, such as a developmentally appropriate book or video.”

If they’re not asking about sex as they grow older, especially as they approach the age of eight, parents need to take the lead. O’Reilly suggests starting small and building from there. “Kids between the ages of five and eight should know how babies are made – in an age-appropriate way,” says Abelheim. “You can start giving more detailed explanations from the age of about nine. If your child asks you questions you must always answer in a truthful, but again, age-appropriate way.”

“From about 12 you should be talking about the emotional element too, as this is when you should be talking about sex as a way to show love, not just a way to make babies,” Abelheim says. “Knowing how much detail to provide will also depend on the child and how much you as the parent know they can handle.”

If you’re concerned about your child taking it upon themselves to educate their peers about the facts of life, be proactive. Explain that though they’re old enough or ready to have this talk, others may not be. “Explain that what we’re discussing with them is so special, and every parent wants to have the opportunity and privilege of explaining it to their own children.”

We need to break the taboo around talking to our kids about sex, Falkson says. We must address our own beliefs and possible hang-ups about discussing the topic to empower our children and break damaging patterns. “It all starts with how we speak to our children and build them up in this area.”