Expropriation of Yeshiva C, Sandringham Gardens

MORDECHAI FAKNEWS

Leaked government documents, now in the possession of the SA Jewish Report, reveal the first property targeted for expropriation without compensation will be the Yeshiva College campus and Sandringham Gardens complex in Glenhazel.

The leaked documents reveal that President Zuma and his family will take over the newly-completed Arcadia Orphanage. “When Donald Trump renamed his holiday golf club Mar-a-Lago, the White House of the South, we knew we needed to establish a Nkandla of the North,”said a fictitious government spokesperson. “The President needed an entire compound for his wives, mistresses and children and Arcadia appeared to be the perfect location. It has so many rooms and such nice facilities; the President loved the fire pool and the shul will be converted into a home theatre for visiting international dignitaries and war criminals.”

A Chev spokesperson said: “The good news is that taxpayers won’t have to foot the bill for this new Nkandla, as this will be expropriation with no compensation, so we are very happy for the fiscus.”

The Supreme Leader of the Board of Deputies was also very positive about the move, “We built this old-age home and orphanage with white monopoly capital, so it’s only appropriate that the government gives it as a gift to the President and his friends.

“The expropriation heralds the dawn of a new positive relationship between the Jewish community and the ANC.”

“We met with Johannesburg Mayor Herman Mashaba”, said Dina Diamond disappointedly, “but he told us that this move was out of his hands. He did however invite me out on a date and I was very flattered – he is a fine-looking man.”

Shaun Matisonn of the SA Jewish Board of Education is co-ordinating an initiative to relocate the students of the Yeshiva Campus to the Holy Rosary Convent on a “time share basis”. Yeshiva students will have access to the school for Torah study during lunch breaks and after 15:00 on alternate days of the week, including Shabbos. “We will also be offering Vitality points for each page of Gemara learnt,” says Shaun.

Finding a new location for the residents of Sandringham Gardens is proving slightly more challenging. Herby Rosenberg of Afrika Tikkun has ingeniously suggested that we could put residents on floating cruise ships in the Zoo Lake. “There is a wonderful view from there,” says Herby “It’s close to the park and we could arrange discounted entrance for the zoo itself.”

There are currently negotiations for a kosher Moyo to provide African cuisine to the floating village.

Property guru Herschel Jawitz, speaking to the Jewish Report on condition of anonymity, said that property prices in the Glenhazel area are likely to skyrocket if we can get Nigerian drug lords to buy up some of the larger properties in the area. This could be an amazing financial boon for our community.

Benjy Porter, who has lived in the area for many years, is happy with the new arrangements as long as the architectural aesthetic of the majestic Sandringham Gardens is maintained.

Porter explained: “We were originally hoping that the Guptas would move into a refurbished Sandringham Gardens, but it looks like it was too far to walk to the Saxonwold Shebeen on Shabbos.”

The move out of the Yeshiva and Sandringham Gardens complexes is scheduled for shortly after Purim.