Failure to launch or happy family nest?

It’s not uncommon to find adult children in their 20s, 30s, and in some cases older, still living with their parents. Whether it’s through financial necessity, safety concerns, avoiding loneliness, or a deeper issue, this phenomenon shows no signs of abating.

Living with parents into adulthood is relatively common in South Africa, where students usually attend university locally unless they study abroad and many remain at home once they’ve graduated. But this trend has become increasingly prevalent overseas too, in some cases fuelled by the COVID-19 pandemic. Though some families thrive in such living situations, others face increased conflict or growing concern about adult children becoming unable or unwilling to enter the real world – a phenomenon known as “failure to launch”.

Clinical psychologist Liane Lurie says there are a myriad reasons for staying at home. “On a religious level, the norm may be to stay in your parents’ home until you’re married and ready to begin a life of your own,” she says. “The security and familiarity offered by your family may also feel easier than being on your own as you decide what’s next.”

Financial concerns often come into play. “Young adults may want to build themselves up financially and save before venturing into the establishment of their own lives. They may also doubt their capacity to make it on their own in the big, wide world.” They may either return home or decide not to leave out of a sense of duty and loyalty to their ageing parents, or for fear that their presence is keeping their marriage together, she says. “Their parents, in turn, may also encourage this move to stave the potentially dreaded feelings of an empty nest.”

Michal Stein*, 35, who lives with her mother and 41-year-old brother in their family home, says it’s due to a combination of these factors. “The arrangement suits everybody. It’s easy and comfortable and means I’m able to save money,” she says. “I also feel like it would be lonely for me to live on my own.”

Stein is a natural homemaker who contributes towards groceries, does all the cooking, and helps with cleaning. “I enjoy cooking and looking after my family until I have my own,” she says. “I also don’t have to worry whether my mom, who is a widow, is ok.” Though Stein is happy at home, she does say that a lack of privacy and having to talk to someone when she simply wants to be quiet can be challenging.

“I look forward to moving out and having my own home when I get married,” she says, pointing to a common factor in adult children staying at home for longer, especially in the Jewish community. The only other scenario in which Stein sees herself leaving would be if she were to emigrate.

Some parents feel that the closeness they build with their children in such a living situation can have an impact on their decision whether or not to emigrate or allow them to build treasured memories before they do spread their wings. “For us, the longer we can keep them safe with us, making lasting memories together, the better,” says Eliana Weinberg* whose 21 and 24-year-old children live at home with her and her husband.

“We know that eventually they’ll marry and have a life of their own, maybe even in a different country. We cherish our time together while we can, and still go away together a few times a year. What’s the rush? When they feel ready to move out, or get married and move out, that will be their choice.”

Weinberg argues that adult kids living at home is more of the rule than the exception in our community. “My son and daughter’s friends of the same age mostly still live at home, except for those who chose to study in Cape Town, Pretoria, or abroad,” she says. Security concerns could be a possible reason for this. “Here, we tend to be a bit overprotective of our kids, so we’re quite happy to have them home where we know they are safe, especially in these uncertain, unsafe times. I don’t care if my son comes home at 02:00 or 03:00, at least I know his whereabouts.”

Weinberg also believes it’s wise for young adults to save. “Who at their age can afford to rent or buy a place?” she asks. “I would rather they stayed home and slowly built up enough money to be able to do so one day.” Though she and her husband therefore don’t expect their children to pay rent, they do educate them about money. “My husband is always relaying important information to them at home about finances and teaching them many other life skills. We’re both hard workers, and my kids have learnt a lot by being home and observing, as adults, what it takes to be successful in life.”

“When your adult children are living at home, you have to remember that they are adults,” says Eve Marks, a fulfilment coach whose adult children lived at home before they got married. “Telling an adult what to do and trying to control them just messes up the relationship.” However, she does believe in setting boundaries, while encouraging open communication and maintaining perspective, especially when conflict arises.

Create a space where you can both share your feelings, says Marks. “Focus on building a good long-term relationship with your kids. Ask, ‘Will it matter in five years if they didn’t help out with the dishes?’ Creating a peaceful and conscious relationship, where you can grow towards having a wonderful long-term relationship where your children want to share their lives with you, was my aim.”

Lurie also highlights the importance of strong communication. “Be prepared to have adult-to-adult conversations about how you feel, what you need, and what your limits are,” she says. “Home is certainly not a hotel. If your child is to start experiencing independence, then division of responsibilities and a clear set of expectations is critical.”

Without these elements, there’s the danger that adult kids can exploit this living situation. “Many think that if it’s too comfortable at home, your child may never leave,” says Lurie. “If you’re concerned that your child is stuck, create a timeline with them, help them to set goals, and hold them accountable for achieving each milestone. While it’s certainly hard to let go, there’s immense joy in seeing them soar and succeed.”

*Names have been changed