Family HR would label me ‘persona non grata’

Last Friday evening, while enjoying what I thought was a quiet and civilised family dinner, I “allegedly” made an inappropriate comment. My family are well aware that my filter – if I ever had one – is in need of urgent replacement, and are no strangers to my mildly inappropriate, occasionally slightly inflammatory, but aways unfiltered thoughts.

This time, however, my daughter looked at me, genuinely scandalised, saying, “You know what this family needs? An HR department. Because that comment would have been reported.”

And that’s when it hit me: she wasn’t wrong.

Every workplace has an HR department to keep the chaos in check, mediate disputes, and ensure that Darren from finance doesn’t microwave fish in the communal kitchen. And yet, families, arguably the most unhinged and volatile of all human social units, are left completely unsupervised.

This is how you end up with siblings’ psychological warfare to establish dominance; parents laying down rules they themselves refuse to follow; and WhatsApp groups so off colour, it would make Pamela Anderson blush.

What if each family had an HR department?

Conduct and compliance

Every household would need a family code of conduct, covering the essential behavioural violations that occur daily:

• Toblerone Theft Prevention Policy: parents shall not consume their children’s stash unless the statute of limitations – 48 hours – has expired. “I pay for everything in this house” isn’t a valid excuse;
• Netflix Regulations: no single individual shall monopolise the Netflix password. Parents retain veto power over shows involving people named “Taylor” or “Chase” who find themselves at a crossroads in Buford Wyoming, just before Christmas.

Dispute resolution

Conflict resolution within families is traditionally handled in the most barbaric and emotionally destructive ways possible. Enter family HR:

• Siblings arguing over who took whose charger? Mediation will take place in front of the council (mom), where all grievances will be acknowledged and then likely ignored;
• Parents issuing retroactive punishments for crimes committed in 2011? HR will review and dismiss all expired infractions, including, “Remember when you were five and threw my phone in the toilet?”

Workplace harassment policies

Workplace harassment is constant, and if we’re being honest, intentional.

• Parents may not weaponise childhood nicknames in public. Calling your teenage son “snugglebug” in front of his friends is grounds for immediate suspension;
• Siblings are prohibited from reminding each other of regrettable fashion choices made in the early 2000s. There’s no need to resurrect the “frosted tips” incident of 2004.

Performance review and promotion

Since families are unpaid labour camps, it makes sense that members undergo only an annual performance review.

• Children may apply for extended Freezo allowance based on demonstrated growth in maturity and general reduction in sulking;
• Spouses may formally request “I told you so” vouchers for moments when they are proven right about something weeks after an argument.

While HR for families seems like an excellent idea, I suspect that I would be its first victim. I would be on daily report, there would be boxes of files on my questionable comments, misuse of sarcasm, selective hearing, and Twitter abuse. My wife would have a stacked case against me, and my daughter would be actively filing complaints in real time. Where the concept might work for some families, I suspect that without a firm appeals process in place, this guy would be brushing up his CV before we even get to dessert.