Following kids’ footsteps – parents weigh emigration options

When they’re rooted in South Africa but their kids are emigrating, parents often face a dilemma. Three mothers describe the impact of their children’s decisions to move countries.

Though one of her sons has been living overseas for the past few years, Linda Goldberg’s other two children are still in South Africa. “For now, my husband and I are happy here, leading rich, fulfilling lives,” Goldberg says. “However, we would eventually like to be in Israel. That’s not because we want to leave the country but because we want to be in Israel when we get older. As Jewish people, and especially after 7 October, we know that’s ultimately where we need to be.”

Like many South African parents, Goldberg is unsure where all her children will eventually land up. Yet, for now, she says, she and her husband are happy and working hard in Johannesburg. A paediatric physiotherapist in practice for 33 years, Goldberg feels that she still has a lot to contribute to South Africa.

Goldberg also does student supervision for the physiotherapy department at the University of the Witwatersrand (Wits), passing on her passion. She points out that it’s not easy to get work if you emigrate later in life, even if you’re still committed to your career.

Yet, Goldberg says that if she does eventually have grandchildren overseas, she would want to live close to them. “I’m under no illusions though,” she says. “You can’t just follow your kids. If you’re not going to be happy where your children are living, you can’t rely on them and become a burden. You have to want to go where you’re going.”

For Joburg-based single mother Vanessa Gruskin, having all three of her beloved sons living in Israel has been a difficult adjustment. “My eldest went in 2022. He wanted to pave the way for his younger brothers to go.” Her other two sons followed in 2023, and all three have successful careers in the technology industry and live in the same apartment building.

While initially Gruskin was considering joining her sons in Israel, her parents are in South Africa. She’d also reunited with her former long-term boyfriend when he was tragically killed last year. “That was the decisive factor for me,” she says. “Not to have had my boys around and go through everything alone has been difficult on every level. It’s been the push I needed to go. I don’t see much of a future here anymore. My parents want me to go too.”

While Gruskin, now 53, feels that she may have been better off if she’d gone 10 or 20 years ago, she believes success in a new country has a lot to do with one’s mindset. “I have a friend of almost 60 who made aliya a few months ago, and she’s loving it. I love Tel Aviv, it’s the most amazing city.” While she doesn’t speak any Hebrew, she has qualifications and work experience that she’s heard will make finding a job easier. “It’s been absolutely devastating to leave my sons each time I visit, so now I won’t have to,” she says.

Gruskin was visiting Israel on 7 October 2023, and describes it as the most frightening day she has ever experienced. But she still believes that Israel is where her future lies. Though what’s happening there scares her, she says it’s worse knowing what’s happening and being so far away from her sons.

“It’s so much more frightening being here because I have the rocket alert apps on my phone so I’m here knowing that they’re having to run to a bomb shelter and trying to get hold of them. Now at least we’ll be together.”

Though she’s independent and has raised her sons to be this way as well, they’re all very close. “I’ve always believed that you don’t follow your children,” she says. “My concern was that they’re all in Israel now, but then what? But Israel is such a good stepping stone to the rest of the world. Life is very short, so if you have the opportunity, grab it. It’s hard in Israel, but I think there’s a much better quality of life there.”

Though Danielle Fine* has only one of her four children living in Israel, two others plan to go over in the next year. “It leaves a void,” she says. “When your child leaves school, it’s the most beautiful and exciting thing for them. Yet there’s this hollow that you feel that cannot be filled. It’s like you’ve been retrenched, especially because I didn’t choose to have a career, I chose to be a parent.

“You then have to reinvent yourself,” she says. “With my children living overseas, it’s that much harder because you don’t get to see them. You know they’re grown up and fulfilling their dreams, but it’s an empty feeling. You’re not a complete family.”

While for now she’s staying put, Fine knows that she wants to be there one day when her children have babies. “So, I guess, we have to make our plans to follow them, but to leave my siblings behind is hard because, other than my husband and children, they are my everything, my network, and my go-to people. Not having them around going into old age is going to be hard. My mother-in-law also relies on us.”

She also notes the financial sacrifices one has to make when emigrating, going from living in big spaces to what will probably be a tiny apartment. “You’ve now got to do everything for yourself, probably in your 60s, having to create a new life in a new language. Yet, I’ve seen a lot of older people struggle, and there’s nothing sadder than seeing an older person on their own.”

*Those who asked for their names to be changed were happy to discuss how they felt, but didn’t want their nearest and dearest overseas to know.