From international rugby ref to single dad

MOIRA SCHNEIDER

But this was no ordinary dad meets baby scenario – Kaplan, a straight, single guy took the conscious decision in his late 40s to engage a surrogate mom so that he could fulfil his life-long dream of fatherhood. His story is told in the book, Winging It, by Joanne Jowell, to be launched in mid-April.

Kaplan describes the unusual situation as a “no-brainer”. “It was something I always wanted, so I was happy to make the adjustment. Whatever I achieved was great, but at the end of the day I wanted a family. This was admittedly an alternative way of going about it, but it was my way.

“I have always done things to the beat of my own drum and this was no exception,” he says of his determination to proceed. “I’m not one to jump on the conveyor belt of life – I’m very much my own man.

“Not to say I wouldn’t have liked to have been married, but it didn’t work out like that, so I found a different pathway.”

While many would consider his choice daunting, he doesn’t consider himself brave.

Having retired as a professional referee in 2013, Kaplan unsurprisingly describes his current situation as “a complete change”.

“I think the main difference is that the lack of freedom and spontaneity is curtailed a bit with a small baby, doing it on your own,” he says.

Unlike rugby, he says, where there’s a rule book to follow, “I’m not sure that anyone can properly prepare because you never know what’s right in parenting – is there such a thing?

“But it was my dream and my goal from long before I became a ref and life dreams have to be made a reality,” he adds matter-of-factly.

In the book, Kaplan expresses concern at the lack of a permanent mother figure in Kaleb’s life. “I’d thought about it before, but it’s not something that would have deterred me from having a child. It’s just something that’s in the back of my mind.”

Serendipitously, he has had a girlfriend for the past 15 months – Kaleb will turn two years old in June. “She is exceptional with Kaleb and so are her children, so for the meantime, I don’t think it could be that much better for him.”

As much as Kaplan admires the more traditional family set-up, he maintains that something outside of that norm can also produce “spectacular” results, depending on the time and love that a parent invests. “I’m more than happy to take that risk.”

There have been very few negative reactions to his situation, he says. “For the most part, people are very happy for me, as they would be for any other parents having their first child.

“People do think that it’s a big responsibility to take on and that I’m brave, but for me it’s all about living my dream. Who’s to say that I can’t do a good job with my set of circumstances? I’ve done a pretty good job with almost everything else I’ve touched, so this should be no exception.”

Although he is a single parent, this doesn’t mean that he’s doing it on his own. His mother is very involved, as are friends and support staff.

“Initially, I had a night nurse for a few months and she helped me to understand what needed to be done.We are all in some way leaning on each other – that’s what family means, that’s what community means, that’s what friendship means,” he says.

He admits to being “freaked out” when the bond with Kaleb didn’t materialise initially. “I couldn’t form a relationship with something that was, in essence, just eating, sleeping, sh**ting. That part was the most difficult for me. The rest of it has been plain sailing.”

In these situations, there’s concern around the surrogate’s potential feelings of attachment to the child she has carried, and how things will pan out in the future. The surrogate in this case is a married woman with two children.

In addition, and unusually, Kaplan met the egg donor – a different woman – through social media. He describes her as a “smart” young university student.

Neither she nor the surrogate mom is attached to Kaleb. “I don’t think she’s got any desire to have a full and open relationship with Kaleb and I think from my side it’s probably the same,” he says of the student.

“In different ways, they’re both exceptional,” he says of the two women. “I was very lucky that these two people that I’ve never met and that I’ll have limited contact with going forward, came into my life and gave me the opportunity to have such a beautiful child.

“For them it was a pleasure to contribute to my life in this positive way.”

His advice to other single guys who might be inspired to follow his example? “Time and love – that’s what you need.”“There’s no point in having a child if you can’t give it the right stuff.”

The book, he says, was written as a demonstration of an individual daring to have a family differently in the modern era. “The reality is that a lot of [conventional] stories don’t end happily ever after and this was an opportunity, in the form of a story, to illustrate that this pathway exists and it’s available to any ordinary person.”

•     Winging It launches in Cape Town at The Book Lounge on April 17 and in Johannesburg at Exclusive Books, Hyde Park on May 10.