From love bombing to shrapnel – surviving a narcissist

They want you to love them as much as they love themselves, so they build you up before they tear you down. Narcissists are hard to escape, yet surviving comes with empowering yourself and maintaining a strong support system.

“When you meet a narcissist, they swoop you into an aura of being impressed. Not only are they impressed with themselves, but they’re now impressed with you. They have selected you from the group. They will tell you how gorgeous you are, how they noticed you the moment they walked in the door. You will be love bombed by these people. You will be swept up – it feels like stardom.”

So says Sue Hickey, a psychologist and expert in abusive relationships, who recently delivered a talk on narcissistic abuse hosted by the Chevrah Kadisha to mark the 16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence. Also known for her multiple books on abuse including When Loving Him Hurts, Hickey explained the often-misunderstood definition of narcissism.

“Narcissism is obsessive self-love,” she says. “Generally, we’re able to love more than one person – we love our children, we love our partners, we love our friends, it isn’t an obsession. Yet an obsessive love – like that which narcissists have for themselves – makes no space for anybody else.”

Self-love, in and of itself, isn’t a bad thing, in fact, it’s part of building healthy self-esteem, of being comfortable in our own skin. “An obsessive, pathological self-love is something altogether different,” Hickey says.

Narcissists also have delusions of grandeur. “They truly believe that they are better than the rest of us mere mortals. They don’t have a rationale that goes with this, it’s just a deep belief that they are better than us.”

The last and perhaps most alarming aspect of a narcissist is a complete absence of empathy. “Not everybody has the same level of empathy, but we have some empathy,” says Hickey. “An adult personality has the ability to see the same situation from someone else’s point of view and feel for them even if they don’t agree. The narcissist has zero capacity for empathy.” All they can see is how they feel, others’ feelings are simply not a consideration or something they can understand.

Narcissism is an extreme disorder, Hickey says, whose pathology lies in the fact that it’s too much. Not genetic or physiological, it’s categorised as a personality disorder – something that psychiatry terms “intractable”, which Hickey says is a kind way of saying “incurable”.

“It doesn’t change easily. It’s not a behaviour that you’re going to be able to modify, and it won’t respond to medication.” Yet, Hickey cautioned attendees against using the term too broadly. Narcissism, she says, is trending.

“Every other person, every unfortunate personality is now being called a narcissist,” she says. Social media has contributed to this. “It’s made us into a boastful society. We go onto Facebook, onto Instagram, and we need to show how our house, holiday, car, and so on is better than yours.”

But even though this cultivates certain egotistical personality traits, these traits aren’t intractable, Hickey says. “If we’re talking about your real-deal, personality disorder narcissists, with delusions of grandeur, they will never ever be a nice human being.” Conversely, those who have only some characteristics that fall within the definition of narcissism can be helped.

More prevalent in men than women, actual narcissism can be difficult to identify at the start of a relationship. “Narcissists are very attractive people because they need your applause, they need to have relationships,” said Hickey. “They have to have a fan club. In order to make us like them and therefore give them the very air they breathe, they have to be charming, otherwise, no one is clapping.”

So, in a social setting, they’ll be agreeable and talkative. “They have adventures, they understand how you feel,” she continued. “But understand – they’re exploiting you. They don’t think we’re nice, they think we’re inferior. But we’re clapping. They need us to like them, and we do.”

Yet narcissists have a fatal flaw – they get bored easily. “You’ll go from being able to do nothing wrong until the narcissist gets bored and you’ll be able to do nothing right,” Hickey says. “They’re as verbal in their disdain for you as they were in their compliments. When they’re tired of you, everything you do, including how you breathe will be wrong. They suddenly don’t like anything about you. Yet, narcissists won’t leave you until they have a replacement – it’s not socially convenient for them to be single.”

They will, however, continually verbally abuse their partners by being hypercritical, says Hickey. “The narcissist will wear you down with constant criticism of you, of your friends, and your family.”

Conflict resolution is a waste of time with a narcissist, she says. “They don’t think you have a point because you now have gone from being very intelligent – a word they often use to describe you in the beginning – to being very stupid. You have no intuition, no creativity. These are the kinds of things they will tell you.”

One should never take a direct hit at a narcissist when it comes to trying to manage their behaviour, Hickey says. “You will never accuse them of being boastful because they will tear you apart. Wait until a social event, and then say, ‘So and so was very boastful, it’s an unattractive quality.’ As the narcissist is seeking applause, they’ll get that boastfulness equals unattractiveness, and stop the behaviour.

“If you’re involved with a personality disorder narcissist, your chances of having a good, intimate, supportive relationship, having someone to co-parent and manage struggles with on an ongoing basis are virtually non-existent,” Hickey says.

Yet, leaving a narcissist can be exceedingly difficult. “Abusers are no better in a divorce than they are in a marriage. These aren’t people who are going to give you a square deal. These are animals of war, so if you don’t have the resources to leave, be very careful before you walk out. Prepare and be strategic, don’t be impulsive. Narcissists feel nothing about whipping a carpet out from under your feet, including when it comes to your kids.”

While you plan your exit, ensure your friendships and family relationships are intact, no matter how your partner may damage these, Hickey advises. “Eat, sleep, and take care of yourself because your partner isn’t going to do any of those things for you.”

Empower yourself, draw strength from your loved ones, and then leave once you’re equipped to do so. “Decide there’s life beyond this person. Whether it’s this year, next year, or the year after, it can take years to leave, so don’t be embarrassed about not being able to do it immediately. Do it when you can.”