Hands-on dads make parenting doable

Gone are the days where the man is the sole breadwinner and disciplinarian and the children are entirely the women’s domain. In a society largely characterised by dual-income households and less prescriptive gender roles, sharing parenting responsibilities is more the norm than the exception – and it’s a setup that many fathers are embracing.

From rabbis holding their babies in shul, to dads cheering on the soccer sidelines, to fathers schlepping their kids to playdates and parties, there are a myriad ways fathers are becoming more active in their children’s lives – and the benefits are palpable.

Lance Paiken, a father of three children under the age of four, says that being an active parent is non-negotiable. “I want my kids to look to me for support, love, and guidance and I want to be involved in every aspect of their lives,” he says. “I want to have that deep connection with them as they are an extension of me. I make sure they have everything they need, not just financially but emotionally as well.

“I see how much more involved dads are today with myself and my circle of friends,” he says. “When we’re together, the mothers and fathers take turns running after the kids, changing their nappies, feeding them, and taking them to the bathroom.”

Increasingly active fatherhood is a worldwide trend, says educational psychologist Dr Martin Strous. “This shift is attributable to several factors including changing gender roles and a move towards shared parenting. Society is in some respects moving towards more equitable gender roles, leading to greater recognition of the key role fathers play in child development.”

With research highlighting the benefits of more involved fathers for themselves, their partners, and their children, it’s clear that this evolution is a positive one. “We now understand the significance of fathers’ presence and engagement in their children’s lives from a young age,” says Strous.

“Moreover, there’s growing emphasis on achieving a better work-life balance, with fathers wanting to experience the joys of parenting and contributing to their children’s well-being. Numerous studies show that children with involved fathers tend to achieve better educational outcomes, have higher self-esteem, and experience enhanced mental health.”

No matter how demanding their jobs are, by taking an active interest in their kids, dads play an integral role. “Being present, connected, and supportive, even in the smallest moments, can deepen relationships profoundly,” says Strous. “Starting this early in a child’s formative years can provide the emotional scaffolding for deep, lasting relationships and harmonious living. It sets a tone that may reverberate through all stages of a family’s journey.”

For Jarred Gronemann, being active in all three of his children’s lives may have been a result of circumstances, but he wouldn’t have it any other way. Growing up with a hard-working father, Gronemann loved the fact that his dad still came to sports matches and regularly played with him. “That was something I felt was important to do, and I consciously aimed to be involved in my kids’ lives as much as possible,” he says.

It started with Jamie, his son from his first marriage, something that in fact attracted his second wife, Tracey Brandt, a General Practitioner with a demanding schedule in both casualty and private practice. “One of the first things that I liked about Jarred was that he was already a very active dad,” says Brandt. “I knew that one day if we got married and had kids, he’d be a good father.”

Gronemann was thrust into active baby duty when Brandt returned to part-time work six weeks after their first son was born, sometimes at 02:00 or 03:00. “He did the nappies, the bottles, everything,” she says. “He had no choice, but he did it happily, he never complained or was bitter that he had to be hands-on. Even on nights when I was home, we would try and share the load as our kids were born 19 months apart.”

“That bond from when a child is little is hard to replicate when they’re older,” says Gronemann. Today, his kids are 16, seven, and five and he’s as involved as ever, juggling his full-time job at Maccabi with lifts, sports matches, dance concerts, and birthday parties. Through his example, he’s demonstrating the value of being an active dad.

“My son told me recently that he wants to work for Maccabi because that way he can spend more time with his children one day,” says Brandt. “In some sense, we’re teaching them that there are no gender roles anymore, it’s fluid. They can choose to be more hands-on if they want to and create a better balance.”

Moms who know they have equal parenting partners often thrive at home and at work. “When sharing parenting responsibilities, fathers alleviate the stress placed on mothers, creating space for them to engage in self-care, pursue personal interests, or focus on their careers,” says Strous. “This enhances the well-being of mothers, and strengthens the partnership between parents, leading to a healthier, happier relationship within the family unit.”

Lorri Strauss, a freelance singer, actress, and producer, who has two sons aged nine and 12, says her husband’s support has enabled her to build her career. “The reason we have such a good marriage has a lot to do with the fact that my husband and I are a team,” she says. “Having a husband who is a hands-on father has allowed me to pursue fulfilling work opportunities and have a work/home life balance. My husband is also a great role model to my boys. I think by witnessing the way their dad moves through the world at home, work, or socially teaches the boys valuable lessons which they will hopefully emulate.”

Kerri Marks, a mom of three daughters agrees. “When parents work together to raise their children, they can strengthen their bond and develop a deeper appreciation for each other’s strengths and contributions,” she says.

Her husband, Terence, has been all in from the moment their children were born, Marks says. “He helped carry the load emotionally and mentally for me as a new mom, and for our girls nothing was or is ever too much to ask of him. It comes very naturally to him to be proactive and involved in the girls’ lives.”

For Kara Lichtenstein, being a mom to two-year-old twin boys is all consuming, so having a supportive husband who consistently tells her she’s doing a good job has been invaluable. “When the boys came home from the hospital, he would wake up with me to do the feeds and nappies. Now, he does almost all of the cooking as I’m busy bathing the boys before supper time. He’s a fun dad who plays with them, but he’s also there to discipline them if they get out of hand. He makes parenting “doable”, especially with two at the same time. I couldn’t do it without him.”