Holy urge: the rabbi who markets sex toys for marital harmony

JULIE LEIBOWITZ

“I’m not interested in creating koch (gossip) for the dinner table,” the Gush Etzion-based rabbi says when asked about his business. “Actually, I don’t care if people koch, as long as I have the blessing of my wife.”

It’s a statement that says a lot about this rabbi and educator’s approach to life and marital counselling work. He believes consent and communication with one’s spouse is the most important factor in a loving, kosher marriage.

Rav Natan, as he is known, is no stranger to South Africa, having lived here from 2010 to 2013, when he and his wife were Bnei Akiva shlichim. He says that a lot of his realisations about sexuality counselling came from work he did in the movement.

He describes his online business, which he set up more than two years ago, as a “safe” site which differs from other sites in a few key ways.

First, the name, Better2gether, shows the intent of the site – to improve one’s sex life with one’s spouse. “Often in the Western world, the message is, ‘I don’t need a partner. I will please myself’. Better2gether’s name says that these are tools – not toys – to improve your sex life with your spouse.”

Second, there is no nudity, vulgar language, pornographic material, or advertising on the site.

Third, the site offers education about sexuality and related issues. This is done via blogs, and the ability to ask questions online. Rav Natan has enlisted numerous sex therapists within orthodox Judaism to answer questions confidentially.

There are also articles by experts on issues as diverse as “Passionate marriage: forever an oxymoron” and “Enhancing your emotionally committed relationship”.

The site isn’t just for religious consumers, but when it comes to learning about the opposite sex, or having sex, observant Jews do have specific strictures. These include separation of the sexes socially and educationally, halachic rules about sex, and a ban on nudity, pornography, mainstream media, and the internet. Even discussion of sex is often a taboo subject, sometimes left to confidential sessions with a rabbi or rebbetzin before marriage.

“Some people have said to me that they just couldn’t ask their rabbi these questions,” Rav Natan says. He points out that a real problem is that many rabbis just aren’t comfortable or approachable enough to talk to about these issues. It can lead to people going to “spiritually unsafe” places to get the information they seek.

“My first supplier in Tel Aviv said, ‘Natan, I am so happy you are doing this. So many religious people walk into the shop, and are seeing things they shouldn’t be seeing’…”

He says the response to the site has been overwhelmingly positive, and though it isn’t making a huge amount of money yet, that’s not the point. “The end goal is to open up the conversation about sexuality, and give people the tools to improve or make their sex life more exciting. It also provides tools for people who have specific sexual issues.”

As a rabbi, educator, and psychoanalyst, Rav Natan, who received smicha in 2010, uses the word “communication” a lot. Sexuality is just one – though important – facet of this.

“Lack of communication leads to the breakdown of a marriage,” he says. “Communication applies to everything from where we move the couch, to how to educate our children. Sex is the most intense form of communication we have. This is because we are most vulnerable when we are having sex – and our bodies do not lie. In having sex, we are communicating our real self.”

He points out that unlike some other religions, Judaism celebrates sexuality, seeing it as a holy urge. Even more unusually progressive is the fact that in Judaism, it is the duty of the man to please his wife sexually.

“This is a beautiful mindset,” he says. “In the Western world – and this comes out in pornography – there is the notion of male dominance, and the woman having to do anything to please a man. The man is the one with the power in the bedroom. Torah is the opposite. If a woman is sexually unhappy, there is a halachic problem.

“Statistically, up to 70% of women do not have an orgasm through penetration only. It is up to the man to learn about what his wife’s body is communicating to him,” he says.

“We need to create this effective, open communication on the first night of marriage. We have the responsibility to create a safe environment so our spouse can be honest with us.”

Rav Natan also runs an online marriage consulting site, www.ravnatanalexander.com, and lately he has been involved in realising another of his passions: helping men to be self-confident leaders who take responsibility for others.

He has created a group called Leader of the Pack, which holds events for men in Israel and the United States. The club focuses on helping men to realise their “G-d-given role as leaders and protectors”.

It ties in with the issue of marital harmony, because “G-d charged men to stand up, lead, and protect. Women want men to take responsibility.”

Rav Natan is careful to stress that this isn’t about wielding physical power – overpowering or dominating one’s spouse or family – but learning to take responsibility for caring and protecting others.

“The problem is that men are educated to be powerful, but are not educated to take responsibility, for example, for the education of their children, or the happiness of their spouse,” he says.

Being a stand-up leader has traditionally been refined through initiation ceremonies, war, or the “tribal mindset” of always being prepared for danger or death, Rav Natan says.

“Israel has a strong sense of male brotherhood, but even now in countries like the United States, men are realising the need to be more aware and protective.”

It may seem like a large leap from sex toys to leadership. But this pioneer educator, who prides himself in seeing a need and stepping up and doing the things others aren’t willing to do, has an overarching goal: to improve our relationships, and make them more holy.