How not to fudge your first frum date

JORDAN MOSHE

I learnt this the hard way when I attempted to give it to a young woman as a gift after we’d gone out a few times.

The day after she accepted the confectionary, the shadchan (matchmaker) who helped arrange our dates called to say that I had made a considerable error in judgement.

“She says you gave her fudge,” I was told. “She wasn’t sure what you meant by it. It’s not something you should do.” To me, fudge meant a form of sugar, in this case presented for the gustatory enjoyment of a fellow human being. To the other party, it clearly meant more than I could possibly have imagined.

The modern orthodox dating scene is a territory which confounds and astounds many. It’s a space which hangs somewhere in the balance between the casual realm of secular dating, and the “meet to marry” group, to which the more ultra-orthodox belong.

Modern orthodox dating has been coloured to some extent by both sides of the spectrum, creating a dimension that is unmapped and often treacherous to navigate.

In the modern orthodox world of dating, the shidduch or blind date has become an accepted norm, whether it is through a matchmaker or well-meaning friends.

While not quite a shotgun wedding arrangement, it’s often not dating in the traditional sense. There are also those who steer away from it and opt for a more casual approach, like asking someone out who they have met at a social event or through a friend.

Either way, the reality is that different people have different expectations when they enter the dating game. Some are looking to start a traditional relationship like that of boyfriend/girlfriend, while others are in the market for a spouse.

Attempts to make the system work when you’re not looking to get married just yet, but rather to test the waters, are fraught with complication.

When you’re in your early twenties and frum, the pressure to find a spouse – whether induced by family, friends, the community, or yourself – is considerable.

You can’t attend a chuppa or reception without being toasted with a “soon by you” utterance from another attendee. People mean well, but this push to follow suit and adhere to the norm of marrying fairly early takes its toll on young men and women alike. Then, there is the growing worry of young women about “being left on the shelf”, and the stress about knowing where or how to look.

Being frum (even modern orthodox) places certain limitations on courtship or any relationship prior to marriage. Physical contact between parties is problematic, and reserved for spouses only.

This makes sense, of course, but its application can make even casual frum dating a tad tricky. Take kissing off the table entirely. Hand-holding, parting hugs, and even pats on the back are also out of the question.

Of course, when two people are on the same page about this, and commit themselves, it’s somewhat easier. But trying to establish what the other person expects, and how to engage meaningfully without overstepping the lines isn’t easy.

The etiquette and codes of behaviour which apply to modern orthodox dating are unwritten. However, they are adhered to by all players of the game.

There are rules which apply to the first few dates: don’t go anywhere in Glenhazel where people may see you and start talking; establish how serious the other party is about marriage; and clear the air with neutral topics of conversation.

When the shadchan I consulted offered me topics for conversation, it occurred to me that she was accustomed to providing young initiates in the world of dating with a plan for every eventuality.

There are those in need of such guidance, as the space in which they find themselves has the potential to be unforgiving, and the risk of becoming a hopeless case is real.

Much like what you witnessed in the TV series Shtisel, shidduch dates often take place in hotel lobbies, even in South Africa. If you visit Melrose Arch on any given night, chances are you’ll spot a first date at the African Pride, Fire and Ice, or any other hotel in the area.

Like Akiva Shtisel, boys attempt to broach any subject that is neutral enough to inspire balanced conversation, wondering how to determine if a second rendezvous will turn out based on the responses they elicit.

The success of a date is ultimately determined by the shadchan, who consults both parties after the event, and relays what was said. This back and forth might not happen, and the two parties are put in touch at some point if they so wish. Still, in traditional settings, it is usually by the fourth or fifth date that it becomes pretty clear whether they are going to pursue a relationship or marriage. It can, however, continue until both sides are 100% clear.

The art of modern orthodox dating lies in it being anything but a precise science. While you might want a dictionary of terms for this fraught field, the fact is that dating frum is what those involved make of it, and want they want it to achieve.

People might have different expectations or subscribe to different value sets. However, they are ultimately simply moving along levels of the same arena, and might need to shift to another track to make things work.

Whether people choose to use a shadchan or not, they will need to decide on the definition of a bag of fudge for themselves.