How to keep love alive when we can’t leave

JORDAN MOSHE

If we want to emerge from this trying time with our bonds intact, we need to find new ways to engage with one another under lockdown.

So said Michael Kallenbach, an internationally renowned relationship therapist and marriage counsellor, who outlined the challenges facing couples for a Zoom audience at eLimmud on Sunday, 31 May.

“These are different and difficult times, and many of us are struggling,” said Kallenbach. “No one has been asked to navigate this before.

“There are those who are staying home and can’t work, those who can work from home, those who have returned to work, and those who have lost their jobs. They’re all facing challenges.”

Kallenbach said numerous couples had asked him for help to address relationship issues that had arisen in the circumstances.

“Relationships, be it with your spouse, partner, boyfriend, or girlfriend, have had a toll taken on them over this time,” he said.

“Suddenly, you notice things about that the person you are living with who you thought you knew. They chew with their mouth open, they make noises that you never noticed before, and leave their shoes lying around. Sometimes they just blink, and that irritates you enormously.”

No one is alone in feeling this way, he said, pointing out that people respond differently to the reality of being cooped up at home. For some families, lockdown has inspired closeness, bonding with long-distance friends and relatives in a game of Bingo over Zoom. Others are struggling socially, and finding that their relationships are rapidly falling apart.

“The lockdown has made it crushingly obvious how few friends I have,” Kallenbach read from an advice-column submission. “I feel depressed and lonely. It feels as though everyone else is having Zoom parties, quizzes, and meetups while I’m sending the odd message and going to bed early after spending the day talking to no one except my partner and a one-year-old.”

It emphasises the fact that relationships are a two-way street.

“Your partner may have something they need to work on, but remember that doesn’t mean you’re completely blameless when it comes to relationship problems. We all have a stubborn streak, and no one likes to admit they’re wrong.”

It means that instead of yelling at your husband when he leaves a sock on the bedroom floor, you opt to have a mature discussion about what you expect of him in future.

“This ensures that each of you understands what the other expects of you and your relationship,” he said.

During the lockdown, new rules come into play.

“Good communication has become touted as the number-one requirement for any happy relationship,” said Kallenbach. “Most couples who consult me have trouble talking to each other. It’s not surprising that a lack of communication can cause serious relationship problems.”

Couples need to learn to speak up when their partner does something that annoys them, he said. “Tell them what you take issue with, how it makes you feel, and offer a solution to avoid it in future. Allow him/her to do the same, and remember to have mutual respect.

“This allows you to deal with small disagreements before they become serious. Don’t brush things under the carpet – they’ll fester. Tell the guilty party what you expect.”

Kallenbach believes that couples go through harmony, disharmony, and then repair, calling it an inevitable dance routine.

“By definition, we fight,” he said. “You often hear people say their parents never fought, but I’m sceptical. You might fight that their childhood wasn’t so ideal. What matters is how you fight and resolve differences.”

It starts by evaluating your own faults. “Don’t look at the other first,” said Kallenbach. “Look at yourself, and see what you need to change. It doesn’t mean you need to be the only one making changes, but the two of you need to establish boundaries and mutual respect.”

Remember also to show appreciation for what your partner does right, expressing gratitude with as little as a cup of tea in bed on a Sunday morning.

Additionally, the process includes establishing routines and celebrating rituals, separating meals from meetings, and cherishing moments like Shabbat meals or birthdays.

“Rituals help families stay connected,” said Kallenbach. “We are now using Zoom to get together and it’s a new way of life, but routine and ritual [even in this new way] helps us to separate the ordinary from the special.

“As the lockdown continues, we need to ask ourselves what it means emotionally to be with someone one isn’t used to being with for 24 hours,” Kallenbach said.

“We’ve all had to reform our sense of self with a sudden intensified intimacy. In this time of crisis, we need to ask ourselves where we find our deepest source of resilience, and look for new opportunities to create closer and more fulfilling relationships going forward.”