How to screen your kids’ screen time

TALI FEINBERG

Three South African parenting experts say that taking a break in front of the screen is okay. “It’s vital for parents and caregivers to take a well-deserved break from parenting responsibilities. Being a parent myself, I advocate it – it’s my saving grace,” says Johannesburg-based clinical psychologist Renske Esterhuyse.

Cape Town-based parenting coach Laura Markovitz agrees. “We don’t need to demonise screen time. Adults and kids appreciate the space to be entertained, relax, learn, and connect.” A third expert, Stellenbosch-based clinical psychologist Taryn McGowan, says it’s “absolutely okay” to give kids and parents a break. It all depends on what they’re doing with the screen time, and how much screen time there is.

So, how much is too much? According to the World Health Organization guidelines of April 2019, screen time is not recommended before the age of two, and should be limited to an hour a day from two to four years of age. Kids aged five to 10 years of age can have up to 1.5 hours a day, and teens aged 11 and up can have two hours a day.

“Holiday time means that we can be a bit more flexible, but it doesn’t mean it should be a complete free-for-all,” says Markovitz. “Often parents tell me how games such as Fortnite have taken over their children’s lives. We have to remember that we actually have the power to say no. It’s helpful to come up with parameters so that everyone knows where they stand and it’s not left up to the whims of children and parents on any given day.”

McGowan recommends writing a media plan in which everyone in the household knows what the limits are. This can prevent conflict and the screaming matches that often happen around screen time, and is especially helpful if parents need other caregivers to re-enforce the rules. Media-plan templates can be downloaded.

She also recommends discouraging the use of multiple devices at the same time. We are all guilty of scrolling social media while watching TV. Meaningful screen use – watching educational programmes that challenge a child to think is first prize. Children should also know that they can ask their parents questions, instead of always resorting to Google.

“It’s a good idea to involve kids in deciding how screen time will work so that they take ownership of it. Then it’s up to us, the parents, to ensure that the screens go off,” says Markovitz.

Besides controlling the amount of time on screen, we also need to think about what children are doing on their screens, says Markovitz. “When kids are being creative and making a movie does this equate to playing a game mindlessly? Here, we need to apply common sense and maintain healthy boundaries. Yes, it’s great when kids are creative or using screens for learning, but we still need to make space for other activities that don’t involve screens.

“Parents should not be fearful of kids saying, “I’m bored”. Boredom isn’t a terrible thing and from boredom, incredible things can grow. A balance of boundaries and empathy (letting them know that you understand that their games or programmes are important to them) is helpful in managing this.”

What are the signs of screen addiction? McGowan says that children under 12 can’t get addicted per se, but they can become dependent. This is clear when screen use is so compulsive, that their daily functioning is impaired.

“In general, if the child acts out – a toddler having a meltdown or a young adult becoming passive aggressive when they are not allowed screen time within reasonable age-appropriate boundaries, it’s reason for concern. It can be very tempting to give in to the request and put an emotionally dis-regulated child in front of a screen as it will seem to calm them. But here’s the thing, as parents, we need to make decisions that will be in our children’s best interest over the long-term and not necessarily in our own best interest in the short-term,” says Esterhuyse.

“Instead, physically level with them (make eye-contact), then emotionally level with them by validating their feelings (anger/frustration/disappointment) but nonetheless stick to your boundaries and then offer them some form of distraction, ideally quality time with you. In the long term, your child will learn to self-regulate and tolerate distress. Both skills are necessary for adulthood.”

If the child is addicted to screens, “I would recommend that initially, parents implement a respite from technology, and to enforce the idea, it may be good to set an example yourself and not engage in any screen time for that period of time (it can be anything from three days to a week),” says Esterhuyse.

“This will probably be the most challenging time as your child will try to change your boundaries and it will be hard to change old patterns, so it will be important to be clear and consistent. After this time, it may be a good idea to formulate a media plan as a family. You can revisit these boundaries over time.

“Help your children to fill their time in ways other than using devices. Expect that they will become bored, knowing that sometimes doing nothing is doing something. If possible, institute technology sabbaticals, or go away for the weekend where there is no reception or Wi-Fi, and offer a reward for time away from technology,” she says.

Finally, “It’s important to make room for emergencies when screen time may be the ‘lesser of two evils’, and not be excessively critical of your parenting skills. Also, be informed about what your child is exposed to online, and set parental controls on devices to allow for age-appropriate viewing.

The bottom line for Esterhuyse is, “Don’t judge a system on its abuse. Technology is an integral part of our everyday lives, and these devices, when used wisely and appropriately, can be advantageous. However, face-to-face time with family, friends, and other significant others plays a pivotal part in children’s emotional and physical well-being, and should be prioritised.”