How to win the gaming battle with your kids

If it feels like you’re always the loser when it comes to your kids’ gaming and its impact on their behaviour, you’re not alone. But there’s an informed and healthy way to manage it, said Sarah Hoffman of Klikd, a company that helps teens, parents, and teachers navigate social media and the digital world safely.

“Wherever you are on your child’s gaming journey, remember that as a parent, you have choices,” Hoffman told a webinar on 5 November. “It’s not too late.” A social media lawyer, Hoffman runs Klikd, which hosted the webinar, together with co-founder, clinical and forensic psychologist Pam Tudin.

Before deciding how to handle gaming, understand that every child is different so your approach should be tailored to your child’s unique needs and personality, Hoffman said. “Game designers are experts at developing games which release just the right amount of dopamine to keep your child completely hooked.”

Ultimately, though there are numerous parental controls you can put in place, your children’s relationship with gaming is ultimately determined by their relationship with you.

“The most important thing that will help your child to emerge from these challenges well is parents who are connected and engaged,” said Hoffman. “This means that you’re able to have conversations with your children about gaming in a way that’s not hysterical or judgemental. It means that you’re able to put boundaries in place, and your child is able to talk to you about what’s going on in their online world.”

It’s not all bad news when it comes to gaming, she said. For example, for some kids at a stage of exploring their identity, some games provide a safe space for role playing. Many games also have significant educational value, honing kids’ problem-solving abilities and fostering opportunities for critical thinking. Others encourage creativity and collaboration, which kids argue is their version of socialising. Yet it’s important to remember that nothing can compare to the real-life equivalent.

“When children are gaming, there’s an immediate chemical reward in the form of a dopamine hit, which is what makes it so addictive,” Tudin said. “Your child’s brain is wired for that reward.” It’s in-the-moment satisfaction that you cannot get from most things in the real world, making it much harder to derive that same level of pleasure.

“Interrupting their gaming process ruptures this strong chemical process, which explains their often-dramatic response when you force them off their device,” Tudin said. “Over time, the dopamine cycle creates a lowered tolerance for frustration,” she said. “This lowers their capacity to push through difficult things in real life as there’s no reward that comes with it that matches the dopamine hit they get from gaming.”

The social repercussions can also be considerable. “While gaming, children often feel a level of social acceptance that they don’t always feel or know how to get in the real world,” Tudin said. “We need to guard against gaming becoming the only area where they feel good about themselves.” Children will never get all they need in real life from the online realm, she points out, especially when it comes to creating real connections and building the consciousness that underpins emotional intelligence.

In an increasingly digital world, cultivating emotional intelligence in our children is more important than ever. “Especially with the advent of artificial intelligence [AI], people who are going to survive in the working world are those who are able to tweak what AI can produce, who will read the cues in a room,” Tudin said. “The capacity to recognise and name other people’s feelings is everything that gaming takes away in large chunks.”

Another danger is that gaming becomes a hiding place for many children who may be having a hard time at school. They therefore don’t develop a strong sense of self beyond gaming experiences.

The battle over “just one more game” and the mood swings that come with that is exhausting for parents. To manage the resulting power struggle, Hoffman stressed the importance of giving your child a certain number of games they’re allowed to play rather than a time limit. This eliminates the dopamine interruption that causes such discord when a child is forced off the game in the middle of a round.

Tudin suggested an emotional vaccination – preparing children for something that they may not like. This involves having a conversation at a neutral moment before the gaming session where we explain that there will be a time when we ask them to stop gaming. “Explain that it’s going to feel hard to stop because there are many things happening in their brains that make them want to carry on,” she said.

When the conflict starts, you can remind them that you’ve already reached an agreement on this. If they won’t listen, de-escalate the situation by keeping your tone calm. Explain that you know that it’s hard for them, but until they can honour the agreement you have made, they cannot have access to gaming devices. Don’t respond to the meltdown, and they will soon see that you mean business.

Tudin also stressed the importance of having consistency around when, where, and for how long they’re allowed to game. “Talk about gaming without giving it the focus and the huge currency that they do. It’s just another part of the day.” She also suggested having “switch out” activity after gaming, whether it be helping you prepare supper or going for a walk. This helps them to come down gently from the dopamine hit.

In this power struggle, you are the boss, Tudin said. “You cannot be held hostage in your own home.” You have to set the ground rules, making gaming expectations clear and predictable. The only time there are exceptions to this is when your child has true moments of connection with you or family members, and you want to reward and reinforce that behaviour with some extra gaming time.