If kissing was criminal, our aunts would be jailed

Spanish Football Federation regional leaders have called for the immediate resignation of President Luis Rubiales after he kissed player Jenni Hermoso on the lips. Rubiales, 46, has been widely criticised after the incident following Spain’s Women’s World Cup final win. Hermoso, 33, said the kiss on her lips wasn’t consensual.

Criminal charges are being considered.

It’s safe to say that the women’s soccer team captain hasn’t attended many a yom tov meal – events notorious for being a place where old aunts hunt and target their nephews, showering them with unconsented hugs and kisses that often involve the lips. Even if it’s only because the nephew is squirming to break free when the kiss, intended for another region, makes landfall and contact with the poor kid’s mouth.

If this were to be ruled criminal, jails across the Jewish world would be bursting with herring eating women with lipstick on their teeth, dressed in old fur coats made from animals that would have died of old age decades ago. Not that the aunt would have been bothered if PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) itself were to stage a protest on second night Rosh Hashanah in the street outside Marais Road Shul.

Because old aunts care not a fig for all that consent nonsense. Or animal rights. And at risk of being cancelled yet again, I think that that’s kind of cool.

Whereas old uncles shouldn’t be allowed this sort of kissing leeway, a pass should be given when it comes to the pinching of cheeks. Face ones. And for shattered carpals, metacarpals, and even a few phalanges. Because much like the aunties, they mean well, even when they do strange things.

There are many reasons for the baal teshuva movement (return to observant Judaism) being so successful in South Africa. Many Jews who came from Europe had given up the strict lifestyle and moved towards a more secular life, only to find that their children or grandchildren had become observant and fairly strict in their adherence to Jewish law. Some have argued that Jews, as a small minority, have felt under threat in South Africa, encouraging them to search for meaning and connection. Some argue that the older generation never quite gave up respect for their heritage and kept the spark alive.

I believe the answer is more simple. Young South African Jews have returned to their faith simply so that they have a legitimate way to avoid the unconsented advances of their relatives. Thanks to their recently found faith, they are now able to say, “Sorry I can’t kiss you, Aunty Dot. I’m religious and pious. And that wouldn’t be right.” And Aunty Dot, being respectful of very little, is still a little hesitant to defy G-d in such an aggressive way, and so respects their wishes and waits until she turns around before rolling her heavily made up eyes. She also doesn’t want to risk not getting an invite to second night Rosh Hashanah and first night Pesach.

Luis Rubiales was out of line. Or off sides, to use an appropriate soccer metaphor. He should have apologised immediately, and dealt with what followed. But all of this could have been avoided if Jenni Hermoso had just looked at him demurely, put her hands behind her back, and explained that kissing was off the table, given that she had just recently returned from “Sem” in eretz Yisroel, and along with South African Jews, would rather that he just respect her faith. Baruch Hashem!