Imperfectly parenting: Raphaely helps us survive ‘adulting’

There’s much chatter about the recently released book, We Were Perfect Parents Until We Had Children, written by Vanessa Raphaely and Karin Schimke. The SA Jewish Report caught up with Raphaely, the founder of The Village, a social media parenting platform, to talk about it.

What inspired you and Karin to write We Were Perfect Parents Until We Had Children?

The huge amount of meaningful, wise, and warm content uploaded to The Village Facebook community every day. Over a six-month period, more than 9 000 posts garnered more that 250 000 reactions!

How did you research the book?

We searched along subject lines in existing posts, or asked directly for answers to questions. Opening up a conversation and then engaging with Villagers worked a charm. Because of the degree of trust – Villagers chat to our admin team freely.

How did you put it together?

The Village tells us what’s current and relevant daily. It’s 60 000 diverse people all sharing their truth every day. If something is bothering South African families, if South African families are enthused about anything, that theme or subject will find its way onto our platform. Picking up the trends and the zeitgeist is quite easy if you’re on the group daily, as we both were, during the process.

What made you choose the title, and why did it stick?

The title was actually the first tagline of the online community. It always makes me smile, and when I ask where the book is when I’m hassling sales staff at book shops to give it a better placement, it makes them smile too! We Were Perfect Parents Until We Had Children is honest, reassuring, and shows that as a parent, you can’t take yourself too seriously – then you’d be the one having meltdowns. sulks, tantrums, and misbehaving, not your teenagers. So basically, it’s the essence of The Village community in one line.

As a parent yourself, what has been your biggest challenge?

My greatest challenge has also been my most important epiphany. The discovery that you cannot protect or prepare human beings for the slings and arrows that life will inevitably hurl at them. I’m a helper, a fixer, an offerer of advice, by nature, and yet so much of parenting is just keeping schtum or at least not interfering or wishing for an outcome which will suit you. Plodding alongside your child, being the cheerleader or the reassuring, loving voice from the sidelines. Your children’s lives are theirs to lead, after all.

The Village is specifically for parents. What are the biggest gripes and toughest parental issues people are facing?

Life is tough. Days spent when everything is going swimmingly are to be treasured – so “gripes” and problems can flood The Village. Choose from loneliness; how to deal with devices; failure to launch; self-harm; sex; drugs; rock and roll; the transition from pre-adolescence to adolescence; money; gender and sexual issues; intergenerational conflict; depression; anxiety; rebellion – and you’ll have scratched the surface.

Why do you believe parents have such a need for a book like this, and a Facebook community like The Village?

Communities are broken worldwide. Ask a single person over the age of 30 how it’s going, trying to find a mate, and you’ll see that the way we’re meant to be living is not how we’re living. We’re isolated. We work remotely or alone. To thrive, we should be in bustling bars, around community sports fields, and village squares in our leisure hours. Instead, we come home to houses behind high walls, we order Uber Eats, and watch Netflix. We’re supposed to chat to each other, learn from each other after a day’s work, not this. So, The Village offers a solid “plan B” for our desire for community. It’s also a safe, non-judgemental, supportive and kind, informative, and a fun space to be a part of. People tell us, “I no longer feel so alone”; “I don’t feel like the worst parent ever”; “I don’t know where I would be without The Village.”

Who did you write this book for?

The parents of tweens, teens, and young adults. We’re a community of South African families trying to support each other to forge a better future for all our children.

What do you hope they will take home from the book?

I hope they will feel supported. And that they find advice and insights that resonate and inspire thought, and help them to be the parent they want to be.

Do you believe South Africans have unique parenting problems? If so, what are they?

Yes, this is a scary and tough place to raise a resilient adult. But our unique South African spirit – our secret sauce of ubuntu, voorwaarts, and maak ’n plan – all mean that we do have some advantages up our sleeve. We’re not brought up to consider the world an easy ride if we’re South African.

Does parenting get easier as you have more children?

Parenting is never easy. Emerging from any cocoon, whether womb or adolescence, is meant to hurt. It’s how we humans are woken up, shocked into life, alerted to what’s required to thrive in the big, wide world. And, of course, parenting is totally humbling. I want to make t-shirts for The Village saying, “ I was hot until I had children.” Or maybe that can just be the title of the next book.

You have three of your own children who are mostly out of their teens. How do they think you did as a mom? What mistakes do they think you made?

They think I’m terrible at dealing with technology. When they want me to buy them stuff, they think I’m the “best mom alive”; when I’m irritating them, they ask me what it was like to grow up when we travelled to balls in carriages. And what it was like to dance to Bach at my matric dance. If they want to up the ante, they tell me that I can be both terrifying and irritating. They aren’t put on this planet to make me look like mom of the year! But we do love each other very much. I think they are grateful that I’m respectful of their right to autonomy and free thought. I’m glad that we have all always been able to talk to each other, through good times and bad. I think they understand that I respect them. Not treating your kids with respect is a huge mistake that many parents can make. I’m also not an overly anxious mother, which I think has helped them to become courageous and confident. Love served up as anxiety is a parental cancer, which is extremely bad for children. But, and this is a huge caveat, there’s no one right way to raise a decent adult. My way certainly isn’t the best or even the only way. All of us just stumble along, figuring our way through the shambles as we go along, to be honest.

How do you think you did? What mistakes do you believe you made?

I continue to make mistakes. I’m always mad at myself when I lose my temper. I’m obviously not “perfect”, as it says on the book. I didn’t take enough holidays and worked too hard. I don’t believe there’s a parent alive who doesn’t think that they should have been more conscious and present in the “family” years. But hey, we had to put food on the table!

In hindsight and from The Village, are parenting years more difficult for the parents of babies and toddlers, tweens, teens, or adult children? And why?

Teens, of course. If you think staying awake all night with a crying infant is bad, try staying awake all night with a crying adolescent. Your heart will hurt in ways you have no idea it was capable of. But those teen years also are the most magnificent and tender, as you witness the human adult take shape. Life isn’t meant to be easy, anyway – have I said that before, twice? So, no matter what stage you’re in, it’s best to keep your ears pricked, your nose twitching, and then to be kind to yourself. Give yourself and them a break. Happy parenting is less striving for success and assuming that you will somehow be rewarded by the show-offy adult finished product you desire – that would be narcissism. It’s more about finding delight, love, and pride in who emerges on their own terms to live their own life.

• You can join The Village here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/TheVillageHQ or follow thevillagesa on Instagram. You can buy We Were Perfect Parents Until We Had Children on Takealot.