Interrogate your inner critic, and be your own champion

This past year has been tough for all of us. The thought of another potentially tough year is daunting. How easy it is to become paralysed by fear and dread as we contemplate the coming year. How easy is it to be harsh with ourselves as we wonder where we might have gone wrong, and where we may have been responsible for some of the difficulties we faced, personally and as a community.

But how mistaken would we be to fall prey to this fear and to our destructive thoughts, to prognostications of doom and gloom? While this reaction may well be understandable given the sadness and struggles of the past year, it would be a travesty. In truth, we are meant to approach the yom tov of Rosh Hashanah with a strong sense of our unique and inestimable value as the children of Hashem. It’s only with this awareness of our dignity and worth that we can stand before Hashem, proclaim Him as our king and father, and envision a new year filled with meaning, purpose, and growth.

To combat this default standpoint, we need to experience ourselves as worthy of our own esteem, as people who matter greatly to Hashem and who are needed for a purpose and mission that only we can fulfil in the year to come.

This may resonate with you, but you could easily ask, “Yes, but how? How do I move from a space of negativity and despair when I look at my failings, my fragility, my brokenness? How do I combat the chokehold my thoughts have on me, the self-accusations, and endless criticism, my failure to meet the demands my mind places on me? Is it even possible to free myself from this dark place?”

I tell you categorically that the answer is yes. Just as your mind has the power to submerge you in misery, so equally does it have the power to lift you out of despair, into hope and vision. Further, not only is it possible, it’s also not that hard. It may take some work, but the results will be phenomenal. Are you ready for the ride? Is it worth putting in the effort required to release yourself from fear and anxiety, to empower yourself to face the new year with hope and trust? If your answer is yes, then let me share a simple tool from the More to Life Program which you can use whenever you wish to move into a happier and more productive space.

I want you to identify an area in which you struggle and often fail to meet your own demands. It could be in your work, in a certain relationship, or in regard to a characteristic you possess which you don’t like – your weight, exercise, anything at all that has you coming down hard on yourself. It could be that you have a difficult relationship with a member of your family. You find yourself getting angry easily and expressing yourself harshly in response to their provocation. You miss the mark often, and you feel guilty and ashamed. Now listen to your inner dialogue, to what your mind is saying. Use the words, “I have to, I should, I must” as well as “I shouldn’t, I mustn’t … or else”. Here is an example from my own inner dialogue.

“I have to be thoughtful and sensitive, I have to be understanding. I should be the bigger person, I should bite my tongue, I shouldn’t give in to my impulses, I shouldn’t attack back, I should be calm, I should be more mature.” Or else, “I will be a destructive person. I will be a failure as a human being. I will be worthless.” This might sound familiar to you, or it might not. We each have our own set of demands for who we should be, how we should behave, and our own set of accusations about what it would mean if we fail to live up to our expectations of ourselves. But the pressure of these inner demands is felt by each of us in a similar way. As I hear these demands, these “shoulds” and “have tos” I feel heavy, tense, anxious, stressed, and generally miserable. I feel trapped and hopeless. And then I take a breath and ask myself whether any of this is actually true.

Do I have to be more sensitive and thoughtful? The answer is no. No-one is holding a gun to my head and forcing me to be more sensitive and thoughtful! I’m the only one demanding this of myself. And telling myself lies about what it would mean if I didn’t meet this demand. For example, my mind tells me that if I fail to be sensitive, it would mean that I’m an insensitive, hard hearted, and thoughtless person. Really? Is that truly who I am, fundamentally? No, absolutely not. In my essence, I’m a caring and kind person. My job is to let go of the accusations and lies that my mind is hurling at me, and to hold onto the truth. The way I do this is by knowing that there are no “have tos” or “shoulds”, there are only choices and truths. I’m now ready to battle my inner demons. I evaluate each demand and ask, “Is this actually true?” I end up saying “false” to each of the “have tos” that I hear in my mind, and in so doing, I free myself from their grip and destructive power. As I say, “false, false, false”, I clear a space for the real me to speak. Instead of “I have to”… “or else”, I move into choice and purpose – “I choose to … because”.

I choose to notice when I’m feeling triggered. I choose not to react immediately. I choose to take a breath, and consider my response. I choose to tell the truth and share my feelings. Why do I make these choices? Because I’m someone who wants to build relationships, who wants to grow in the moment of challenge, who wants to manage my own emotions and to reach out with sensitivity and thoughtfulness. And I want this because I’m fundamentally a deep and caring person, a person of value. As I breathe into these choices, I feel empowered and uplifted, capable and energised, willing and ready to implement these choices.

With this renewed sense of self-worth, I can stand before Hashem on the holy day of Rosh Hashanah, and make a firm commitment to bring my best self forward, to keep reaching for clarity and purpose. I can appear before my G-d, my master, and say, “Here I am, ready to do my best. My soul is connected closely to my maker. I stand straight and breathe deeply and freely.”

• Rebbetzin Wendy Hendler is the co-founder and director of Koleinu, the helpline for victims of abuse in the South African Jewish community.