It’s all in the belly

HOWARD FELDMAN

I have seen articles detailing the content of President Jacob Zuma’s speech and the consequences of his policies. But strangely, very little has been written about the elephant in the room. For Jews, living in a land that is not a friend to Israel, the concern was much greater.

It was really impossible to not notice how much weight Julius Malema has lost. And if anything makes us uneasy it is unexplained weight loss. The man is bordering on being thin (G-d forbid a thousand times). And as Jews we understand that no good ever comes from that.

I scoured my TV and Facebook for clues. But aside from spotting some condiments in the upper gallery (pepper spray) there was no sign of anything for Parliamentarians to eat. Not a buffet in sight. No pass-arounds. Maybe like those mini kebabs both in beef and chicken, but with a vegetarian option? With a nice sweet and sour dipping sauce? Maybe some open sandwiches with pesto and feta (on health bread or seed loaf).

And aside from empty bottles of water (quite prominently displayed during the bar room brawl scene), very little to even drink.

It’s little wonder that they became so angry and aggressive. Who wouldn’t? Visit any shul around two in the afternoon on Yom Kippur and see what happens. I am certain it’s the real reason we don’t wear leather on the day… so no one gets hurt. And SONA is not a fast day for G-d’s sake!

And it’s not just Julius. Anyone spotted President Zuma lately? Understandably one might have missed him given that the bloke is half his size. All those wives – and not one can make him a meal? Clearly not a Jewish mother in law among them.

They would be ashamed of their offspring. Certainly not how they were brought up. And when there was the fuss about him leaving Parliament in the middle of the fracas? He wasn’t storming out, he just popped out to eat a rice cake with tuna. It’s not healthy. He isn’t a youngster any more.

Gone are the days when our Parliamentarians would roll down Adderley Street, drumstick in hand, looking colourful and large. And happy. We rejoiced in their size and we were comforted by the heftiness.

Their rolls might have been paid for by taxpayer money but it was our pleasure to provide. Because their rolls were our rolls and that is the kind of redistribution that we can relate to. In their mass we felt safe and positive. Because every Jew knows that if leaders love their food then they are the leaders for us.

In a sense watching SONA 2017 was like watching the Jewish Olympics. There were never going to be any winners. Only those who would lose less badly.

Like sports day at a Jewish day schools there was always going to be lots of cheering, lots of hype but hardly any substance. But everyone was dressed well and everyone was meant to be there to have fun. It was about “sportsmanship” and not about sport. And as Jews we get that.

The contents of Zuma’s speech were initially a concern. His mention of “Occupied Palestine” of “radical economic transformation” among the other things if taken seriously, are serious. But there is comfort in knowing that much of his speech was copy pasted from last year and the year before. And that after all this time in office he is yet to complete a task. This year is unlikely to be any different.

South African Jews are right to be concerned. But it’s more about the health fad that is sweeping Parliament than it is anything else.