Jumping off a cliff – and looking forward to it

The night before 25 November was agonising. It was filled with messages from friends, all detailing the amazing things we’d be doing instead of studying because on that day at 11:30, we would all be free.

At 11:25 on that fateful Wednesday, the exam room was electrified. Legs were bouncing, stationery boxes were packed up, and anticipatory glances shot across the room. As each paper was collected at 11:31, students began spilling out of the room one by one, dancing to music that was being played outside, a celebration for us all.

Graduation hats were thrown, photographs were taken, uncontrollable smiles were hidden by masks, and all was well. We were done, finally.

A week later, I returned home from a celebratory trip to Umhlanga. I didn’t attend Rage (thank G-d, in hindsight) but I did have a wonderfully fun, five-day escape from having to stare at my desk every night as I fell asleep.

The fact that I was finished school didn’t hit me then, and it hasn’t hit me now either. It’s a bizarre feeling to wake up every morning without an alarm, not having to sit at my desk for hours on end. I’ve even started watching Netflix again!

I’m indulging in sweet treats and pool-side reading, staying up until 02:00 and relishing in the lack of stress about an upcoming exam. A huge weight has been lifted, there’s no doubt about it.

However, in the words of my personal trainer, “Let’s add more weight.” In less than two-months’ time, I will embark on a gap year to Israel. During my matric year, especially under lockdown, I have become closer to and more dependent on my parents.

They fed me, cared for me, guided me, and supported me throughout a tough year, in spite of their own struggles. Therefore, when I step on the plane that will take me miles away from them, I will transition from a dependent child into an independent adult.

In Israel, I will have no choice but to be there for myself. Although my meals will be provided, it’s my responsibility to ensure I’m eating them. Although I will have a bed, it’s my responsibility to ensure I am in it at a reasonable hour. Although I will be surrounded my friends and madrichot, it’s my responsibility to ensure I stay safe and healthy.

Not that this wasn’t my responsibility before, it’s just that now I don’t have my parents triple-checking on me. I won’t lie, it’s terrifying. It feels like jumping off a cliff, knowing that there is something to catch me underneath, but being unable to see it properly.

I can’t imagine being without my family, yet I’m choosing to do so for a whole year. I’m nervous to become the legal adult that my recent 18th birthday made me, but I’m also excited to jump off that cliff, to see what lies ahead for me. I pray that my transition into adulthood is an easy one, and I’m so grateful to have my family guide me through it.

As they say, every good thing must come to an end. School was an amazing experience that equipped me well for life, but it’s over. And while I’m scared about next year, I can’t wait to see what it will bring, not only for myself, but for us all.