Let’s talk about Andrew Tate

Andrew Tate is a British born American kickboxer who was launched into the public eye by being expelled from Big Brother in 2016 after video footage showed him beating a woman with a belt.

Both parties denied the abuse, and said it was totally consensual, but then Tate went public with his view that women are “dirt”. His online profile soared, and he is now has 12.7 billion views on social media.

His statements have sparked widespread outrage and condemnation, particularly for his promotion of misogyny and toxic masculinity. He says women belong in the home, can’t drive, and are a man’s property.

He also insists that rape victims must “bear responsibility” for their attacks, and claims to date women aged 18 to 19 because he “can make an imprint” on them.

Tate’s views have angered domestic abuse advocacy organisations. He has been described as an extreme misogynist capable of radicalising men and boys to commit harm offline.

The mind boggling fact is that this 36-year-old isn’t hiding in some obscure corner of the dark web, but has become one of the most famous figures on TikTok, where his videos have been watched 11.6 billion times.

Although TikTok has now banned him from using its platform, it’s not hard to find his posts and videos online. It’s easy to hate Tate, yet there are many boys in our community who love him. They see him as their role model, some even going so far as to call him their god.

It begs the question, what message is resonating so strongly with our boys?

Koleinu SA recently did a survey among teenage boys in our community. Every single one of them had heard about Tate, and 70% had seen his videos on TikTok. When asked to describe Tate’s attitude towards women, 80% found his opinions to be honest and realistic, while only 6% described him as a misogynist and toxic male.

There appears to be a general feeling among our boys that the male persona has come under massive attack from so many sides – the #MeToo movement; the #MenAreTrash movement; and the feminist movements which seem to dominate the current narrative.

In our survey, 70% of the boys said movements such as #MeToo have labelled men as toxic and misogynistic.

Of the 86% of boys who said they had a positive male influence in their lives, 67% stated that their role model’s behaviour influenced the way they treat women.

Worldwide, the place of men, the place of women, and the ideas of masculinity and femininity have been shaken up. Gender has become fluid, and with this has come confusion and insecurity in our teenage boys about their own identities and personas.

In their search for male role models, they have found Tate, who for them represents the ideal male in many ways. From our survey, it’s clear that they choose to ignore the harmful, dark, and ugly beliefs about women which he brazenly promotes, and focus the positive aspects of who he is – powerful, successful, self-made, and influential. They also seem to value his financial advice and personal-growth input.

Teenage boys face much insecurity in today’s world regarding self-image, physique, sexuality, social standing, and ability to fit in. Tate hones in on these vulnerabilities, and offers them guidance for success in life. He appears to have what many boys have been trained to think they want – good looks, muscular physique, fast cars, women, fame, and virility.

For his many teenage fans, Tate is a god for teaching them the ways to be “a man”. What to adults is clearly frightening in his messaging is attractive and even compelling to kids.

According to our survey, 55% of boys feel that he is making an impact due to his honesty, strong sense of self, and independent thinking.

For parents coming across these extremely disturbing and radical views for the first time, there must be fear about how this man might be influencing their sons, particularly in light of the survey results showing that 73% of boys interviewed find his messages appealing.

Parents may easily feel overwhelmed by the manner in which social media so effectively promotes and normalises hateful, controversial, and divisive narratives. They may feel at a loss to know how to deal with this.

But there are ways to tackle this conversation and use it as a teaching opportunity, not only about Tate, but about the dark side of social media and misogyny in general.

Here are some tips. First, try to understand your child’s world. Watch a few of Tate’s videos and gain a better grasp of the message he’s promoting. Try to figure out his appeal in the context of your child’s environment. Try to ascertain what in Tate’s messaging resonates with him and what need Tate is filling in his life.

Is he speaking to the confusion your son may have about his masculine role? Is he offering a path to status, success, and wealth, or is he just making him feel heard for the first time?

Child development expert Luke Lamprecht says the most important thing we can do for our children is to encourage critical thinking. In the discussion about Tate, ask your child what he thinks about Tate’s attitude towards women. Ask him if he sees any problems with this way of thinking, and whether Tate’s attitudes towards women are something he would want to adopt in his own life.

Dig a bit deeper, and ask how these attitudes may affect his relationships with his parents, sisters, family members, teachers, future wife, etc. Help him to unravel what aspects of Tate’s message may be useful to him, and what he finds objectionable or damaging.

The most important part of this conversation will be the gift you give your child of listening respectfully in an open, curious, and non-judgemental manner. This is how you serve as a role model and create a space for your child to analyse their thoughts in a safe and loving environment.

Remember, children learn more by what they see and experience than by what they hear. If you witness your child expressing derogatory views about women, immediately name the behaviour for what it is.

For example, “What you have just said is misogynistic/sexist/violent/abusive.” When we ignore, we normalise.

Some may say that the damage has been done, and it’s too late to curb the influence of Tate on our youth. But is it ever too late for parents, especially fathers, to model respectful behaviour with and around women to help combat misogyny that runs rampant and often unchecked? We think not.

• Wendy Hendler is the co-founder and director of Koleinu SA, the helpline for victims of abuse in the South African Jewish community. The helpline number is 011 264 0341, operating on Sunday to Thursday, from 09:00 to 22:00, and after Shabbat until midnight.