Making her divorce trauma work for other women

TALI FEINBERG

“It was not preceded by any obvious discord and I was shocked and heartbroken. I suffered from severe depression as a result, became anorexic (weighing 38 kilograms) and was passively suicidal,” says Lewis.

Her experience taught her that divorce can be an extremely lonely and traumatic experience. In addition to the loss and heartbreak of separation, one may experience alienation, judgement, and conflict, ugly courtroom confrontations, emotional, physical or financial abuse, and negative effects on children.

After what she went through, she became passionate about helping other women going through divorce. She eventually founded “The Divorce Source” website and authored (in collaboration with many experts) Divorce 101: survive and thrive.

As she explains: “What I noticed at the time was the absence of formal support structures for women going through a divorce,” and she now fills this gap with her website, book, public speaking, coaching, courses and mediation.

Although she was formerly a physiotherapist, this has become her passion and she works closely with the Chevrah Kadisha and the Shoshanna Foundation (which assists single mothers).

“I was fortunate in that the Chev was receptive to my idea of training volunteers to accompany women to court,” Lewis says.

Social worker Tova Goldstein heads up this work at the Chevrah Kadisha. “One of my responsibilities is running the new ‘court support’ programme, where we trained a group of volunteers to go to court with women or men in abusive relationships, or getting a divorce, and to help them with protection orders and maintenance claims.”

Goldstein explains: “It is very overwhelming to go to court on your own and wait in queues for hours till you are called up by the magistrate. Not only that, but often the ex is in the courtroom at the same time and that can be very intimidating.

“With our court support programme, the individual has someone with them the whole time, offering support, encouragement, and even providing food.

“The last case we had was a woman who was trying to get an increase in her maintenance as her circumstances had changed. She went to court with one of our volunteers who sat with her the whole time, kept her calm and helped her fill out the maintenance forms,” explains Goldstein.

“Unfortunately, it did not end in her favour, which left her feeling utterly devastated. She told us afterwards that having the volunteer with her when she received the bad news, was the most comforting and hopeful experience. And the fact that the volunteer was a total stranger gave her a level of privacy that she needed.”

A Jewish woman who preferred to remain anonymous agrees that the support she got from the Chev and Lewis, was key in helping her emerge stronger after her divorce.

“The Chev even organised a volunteer to drive with me to court, and it was so helpful to have that support. Sometimes it is better not to have friends or family with you as they are too close to the situation,” she says.

She adds that from the moment Lewis heard about her situation, she made herself constantly available to talk to or WhatsApp, day or night. She was even on the phone when this woman went to the Beth Din to receive her Gett, which she describes as “far more emotional” than the civil divorce.

She was the only female in the room (although she found out later that you can bring someone with to support you), and although she found the dayanim to be supportive, she still found the Gett ceremony to be a huge emotional strain.

Indeed, Jewish women may experience specific challenges going through divorce – for example, celebrating Shabbat, chaggim and simchas without their children. “For a Jewish woman going through a divorce, chaggim can be a tremendously difficult time,” says Lewis.

“It is difficult to adjust to being alone without one’s children at times, and the pain of divorce is often heightened at these times. The sense of loss is also heightened at simchot and family occasions. A good parenting plan can go a long way towards preparing everyone for the necessary adjustments and avoiding conflicts.”

Another Jewish woman who asked to remain anonymous, emphasises this point, explaining how she struggled to keep Shabbos after her divorce because “Shabbos is for happy families” and it became suffocating instead of restful when going through divorce.

She also felt alienated and judged by other frum families. She had always felt “protected” by the observant lifestyle, but when her husband announced he was having an affair and wanted a divorce – while she was pregnant – all that was shattered.

“Like other families in the Jewish community, I was the woman behind the man, supporting his career and having a big family. When my marriage fell apart, I was left without adequate financial support, and Stacey helped me get a pro-bono lawyer,” she says.

This woman adds that she has seen “marriages exploding left right and centre… especially to those of us like me who never thought it would happen”. She has been alienated as “people are scared to be around you and think you are interested in their husbands”, which is obviously untrue.

But her journey also led her to meet new people from all walks of life, as divorce doesn’t discriminate, and support forums have been a great place to connect with others in the same scenario.

Lewis agrees that many positives can come from divorce: “It can mean a new beginning. A divorce can be positive if one’s mindset is set on finding the positive aspects. From my personal experience, my divorce was the catalyst to a new and better life, and I truly feel as if my divorce was my ‘gift wrapped in sandpaper’.

Lewis says divorce is “a major life trauma, right up there on the scale with death of a spouse… but it doesn’t have to be the end”, she says.

“You may not have chosen your divorce, or you may have felt that divorce was the only choice you had… but you can choose how to move on from that point. It is possible to work through the pain, to rebuild your life and find happiness again.”

One of the many women she has helped, says: “A divorce may feel like ‘Hiroshima’, but you do become okay. I don’t believe time is a healer – I believe YOU are a healer. We all dream of a fairy tale, but life can have different chapters, and it doesn’t have to be the end.”