Male sexual abuse happening under our noses, says Koleinu

“Adult male-on-male abuse is a worrying issue as more incidents involving innocent teenagers and young adult victims are brought to our attention,” said Rebbetzin Wendy Hendler of Koleinu, an organisation that offers a helpline for victims of all forms of abuse in the Jewish community.

“It’s happening under our noses and in our community. We aren’t immune to this form of abuse,” Hendler said.

Highlighting National Child Protection Week which runs until 6 June, Hendler said it was important for the community to address this unspoken issue.

“This is an area which is seldom discussed or even recognised in our community. Boys and young adults find it unbearable to confront and so difficult to talk about,” she said.

“Male-on-female sexual abuse is starting to be reported and spoken about. It’s far more difficult to contemplate the idea of male-on-male sexual abuse as it’s a taboo topic.”

“Abuse thrives in secrecy,” Hendler said. “Secrecy keeps the abuser safe. If adults know of abuse and do nothing to report it, they become complicit, and it’s against the law.”

Hendler together with her partner, Rozanne Sack, became aware of the rising incidence of sexual and other forms of abuse in the Jewish community several years ago.

Sack said that while all victims of sexual abuse experience shame, for male victims, the level of shame and confusion is often greater as their masculinity and sexuality is called into question.

“They are often told by the perpetrator that they wanted the sexual intimacy, that they are to blame, or that they are gay. The child’s sexual identity is disturbed, and they experience great self-doubt about their sexual orientation. They often feel disempowered because as males, they believe that they should have stopped the abuse and that they are weak for having allowed it to happen.

“Abuse happens in a community that allows it by turning a blind eye, sweeping it under the carpet, or sending perpetrators overseas to carry on abusing in other communities. It’s only through education, raising awareness, reporting, and holding perpetrators criminally accountable that we will be able to stop the cycle of neglect, abuse, violence, and exploitation of children,” she said.

Family educational counsellor Rabbi Elimelech Gartner said he was receiving reports of this type of abuse in the community.

“Male-on-male abuse is a reality. This doesn’t mean it’s widespread, but it’s happening, people are coming to me, and I’m hearing complaints. I don’t believe I’m the only one who hears about it.”

Rees Mann of the South African Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse said the damage caused by this type of abuse was devastating.

“Adult male survivors of sexual abuse present with huge developmental and psychological issues. There can be mood and behavioural disturbances, many suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, and anxiety. There is anger, rage, and often suicidal thoughts as they grow up.

“The most important thing for adult survivors is to disclose, and find someone they can trust who can show them empathy, someone who will hear and believe them.”

Adolescents are more often targets for male sexual abuse he said. One of the biggest reasons for not reporting a male sexual assault is the fear of being seen as a homosexual.

According to Hendler and Sack, there is no typical profile of a sex offender, but a career offender is someone who makes it his life work to gain access to children, groom them, and ultimately sexually abuse them.

“They are often the most personable, likeable people who have gained the full trust and respect of the community,” they said.

The offender will probably choose a profession which gives him access to children, for example a teacher, sports coach, or extra-murals teacher.

“He firstly identifies a target victim, often a vulnerable child. He befriends the child, spending time with him or her in the presence of the parents and gaining the trust of the parents. He then starts to spend time alone with the child, showering him with attention, giving him gifts, babysitting him, taking him on outings. He may show physical affection to the child in front of the parents as a way of normalising the behaviour and desensitising them. He will groom the parents as well as the child, showing them how much he cares for their child, and how much he adds to the child’s life. He will entrench himself as a special person in that family’s life. This behaviour will continue for months or even years before he begins to sexualise the relationship with the child. By this time, it’s often too late for the child to be able to resist the perpetrator.”

Sadly, even if the child wants to disclose the abuse, “no-one will believe anything bad of the offender as he is beloved by the family and a highly respected member of the community”.

The Chevrah Kadisha’s Community Social Services (CKCSS) division is the only Jewish organisation registered to provide services to persons in abusive relationships or who perpetuate abuse, as well as family members impacted by abuse. It’s mandated to investigate all reports of abuse and neglect of children.

“For any community member who becomes aware that abuse may be taking place, there is a procedure for obtaining professional and legal help for those who may be impacted. While such situations are deeply unsettling, experienced, court-mandated, and non-court-mandated assistance is readily available to the Jewish community,” said Tania Leibovitz, group intake consultant at the Chev.

“Even if a person initially chooses to report the abuse to another person, professional, or organisation, it must still then be reported to CKCSS or another designated child-protection organisation mandated to investigate the case. Failure to report an abuse is deemed a contravention of law,” she said.

“By far the most important factor in encouraging a male victim to come forward is unwavering support and belief in their experience,” said Hendler.

“Our community needs to do better in making it safe for any victim of abuse to come forward, by not making them go through secondary traumatisation, by not making them feel as if their marriage prospects will be threatened, by not asking how they could have let it happen.”

• All cases of abuse or suspected abuse can be reported to CKCSS by contacting the intake line: 011 532 9701, or the Chev emergency helpline 082 499 1010 after hours. An anonymous sexual abuse reporting hotline has also been set up on 011 264 0341.