Matchmaker, matchmaker – helping to find a life partner

Many in the South African Jewish community are decrying a shidduch (matchmaking) crisis in which single people are battling to find their besheert (predestined spouse).

“We’re a small community, where most people think they know each other. So, people may make the decision not to go out with someone without looking into them or meeting them for themselves,” said Cindy Silberg, a Johannesburg based shadchan (marriage broker). “This obviously applies to who people choose to date. They’re looking for someone who has a similar plan, or who is already settled in the country where they want to move to.”

Casey Shevel, a dating coach and matchmaker, said she didn’t believe finding one’s life partner was any more difficult here than anywhere else in the world. “The Israelis and Americans are complaining just as much about a shidduch crisis and meeting people as we are,” Shevel said. “People have unrealistic expectations of what marriage is and what they’re looking for in a partner. There’s also a lack of self-awareness, which makes it difficult to find someone who is your equal and your partner. If you don’t know who you are, or where you fit into this world, how are you going to find someone who is your equal?”

Shevel began helping couples find partners after grappling with the challenges of the dating world herself and recognising the inefficiencies in the process. “I was just a frum girl who got married at the ripe old age of 30. I hated the dating process. I found it difficult, and while I knew that there was a better way to do things, I didn’t believe anyone would listen to me until I had my happily ever after.”

As soon as she and her husband were married, they began hosting singles events at their home. Their Friday night dinners grew into bigger parties. “We now host about 250 people at each of our parties,” Shevel said.

The success of their gatherings sparked requests for one-on-one matchmaking, leading Shevel to take on the role of a dating coach and matchmaker and facilitating one-on-one connections. Having limited time to devote to making interpersonal connections, Shevel said she found the parties helpful in that they gave individuals a large variety of people to meet in one evening.

Silberg said there was potentially a stigma surrounding shidduchim or matchmaking, with the belief that the couple didn’t have control over their dating life, which isn’t true. “It involves communication and consent, and you ultimately have the choice to accept or decline the introduction,” she said. “Some people may also believe that shidduchim are for only desperate people. Seeking the help of a shadchan doesn’t imply desperation. It’s a proactive approach to finding a compatible partner.”

Silberg said the role of a shadchan was merely to facilitate introductions and provide guidance, but the decision to marry ultimately lay with the individuals involved.

For South African Jews looking for a partner, Silberg believes it’s important for those interested in taking on the services of a shadchan to take their questions to the shadchan first. She said it was important to get to community events and places to meet like-minded people. “Another approach is to establish a support network for singles within the community that can provide emotional support, guidance, and resources throughout the dating process,” she said.

Outside of the formal shadchan services and meeting people through friends or community networking, there are also online platforms.

Ayelet Glatt, a former Bnei Akiva Cape Town shlicha, joined Shagririm Ba’Lev (Ambassadors of the Heart) when she moved back to Israel four years ago. The idea behind this web connector is that the best way to meet your soulmate is if someone close to you is looking out for you.

After the website spread in Israel and became successful, World Mizrachi joined the organisation to help spread it internationally. Recently, the Orthodox Union of America has also supported the website. Glatt claims it has a success rate “of an engagement every two days”.

She got involved with Ambassadors of the Heart when she returned to Israel from South Africa, where she had lived in Cape Town for two years. “I got to work with a lot of talented and special young adults, and I really felt that there was a lack of options when it came to dating,” she said. “Generally, in South Africa, you grow up in the circles you know, and there aren’t that many other Jewish options. It’s not about people being picky or choosy. When I heard that this organisation was looking for someone to co-ordinate its activity internationally, I thought it really was what South Africa needs.”

Glatt said the website looks like a “regular dating app or website, where you see profiles with details and photos of singles”. However, instead of you being able to choose who you want, your friends – the ambassadors – choose from the profiles.

The website uses information supplied by a good friend whose preferences automatically generate matches. And the good friend or ambassador for the match then approves or disapproves of it.

Only after both ambassadors agree that it’s a good match, will they suggest it to their friends. “The website,” Glatt said, “is for anyone under the Orthodox banner – ranging from ultra-Orthodox to traditional, to formally observant. The most popular age is between 20 and 38, but you get much older singles, from divorced to widowed. All ages and backgrounds are welcome.”

“Today there are more than 10 000 candidates and more than 2 400 ambassadors representing the candidates,” Glatt said.

“When you’re talking to someone on the other side of a traditional dating app, you don’t know if they’re honest, if they have given their right age, if their picture is true, or if they are even who they say they are. You get people who aren’t serious, who aren’t interested in dating, and sometimes who aren’t relevant to you. Traditional dating apps are a hard journey until you find someone who is actually interested and serious about dating and finding the love of their life. Ambassadors of the Heart is the exact opposite, and I have no doubt it will be a significant factor in solving the shidduch crisis in South Africa. It would be an unbelievable solution as it would connect couples who wouldn’t otherwise meet in any other way.”

Having gone through the shidduch system herself, Shevel offers advice to those navigating the dating world. “It can be scary and lonely, and can make people feel down,” she said. “It’s not easy to put yourself out there, but you really just want to make sure that you’re covering your bases and doing the things that are most necessary.”