Meaning helps mitigate lonely seders

TALI FEINBERG

“We are being called upon to demonstrate resilience and strength this year, but we have weathered far worse storms before,” says Rabbi Ramon Widmonte, the dean of the Academy of Jewish Thought & Learning. “One of the messages of the seder is that we are still here, still devoted to our mission. That resilience is in our bones – we can do this!”

So how do we do it, even if we’re alone? “Every Jewish adult [man and woman] is required to participate in the Pesach seder, even on their own. The halacha clearly states that they should even ask the four questions themselves, and then answer them,” says Widmonte.

“The key mitzvot [commandments] of the evening apply as usual even to someone on their own: drinking the four cups of wine, eating matzah, maror, the meal, benching, and saying Hallel, and most especially, retelling and remembering the exodus from Egypt [including explaining the import of Pesach, matzah, and maror]. One must add that besides the mitzvot of the night, everyone has a constant obligation to care for the needs of the elderly, needy, and lonely, especially those who are our parents and grandparents, whom we are additionally commanded to honour.

“As such, we must make every effort to ensure that those on their own have as much support [besides the required food] as possible, and we must strive to be extra sensitive to them at this time.”

Regarding using technology to connect with other family members during the seder, he advises, “As always, people should ask their personal halachic guide [usually their community rabbi] for guidance.”

“The haggadah contains the core of the seder – one can always add to it. With fewer people, it’s an opportunity to do things which aren’t feasible in larger groups. For those interested in guidance, they can join our solo seder online course for guidance [email info@theacademy.org.za for details],” he says.

Under lockdown, even the most vulnerable in our community must have access to Pesachdik products. “Thank G-d, the kosher shops and supermarkets are still open, and have more than enough kosher products, and the Beth Din has put out a wide list this year, so no one should have a problem obtaining these products. If they are elderly or quarantined, they should allow their family or friends to help them out and do some shopping for them,” says the rabbi.

To community members who are thinking of flouting lockdown rules and gathering for a seder, he says, “Our community leadership has been clear about our obligations in this regard, especially regarding the possible infection of older members of our community, for whom this may be fatal. G-d forbid that anyone should have this on their conscience.

From a psychological perspective, “Knowing what to expect during the days and weeks ahead goes a long way to prepare yourself emotionally for the challenge,” says educational psychologist Sheryl Cohen.

“The trouble is that it’s novel. There’s no precedent. There’s no sense of “what we did last time”.

“This makes it particularly anxiety-provoking. We human beings don’t like to sit with the difficult feelings of ‘not knowing’. We like to gain control and mastery over ourselves and our world. But the days and weeks ahead leave us with a sense of helplessness which leads to feelings of vulnerability,” she says.

“How do we deal with this? Many of us scramble for more and more information. But even with all the information at our fingertips, we are all feeling quite helpless. Our feelings of vulnerability also help us to identify with others. We get an opportunity for empathy: what it might feel like to be homeless; what it might feel like to be working on the frontline, and so on. This creates opportunities for unity, for empathy, for connection, kindness, and care in a way that might not have been possible a few weeks ago.”

She says there are various emotions we may experience around Pesach that are different to all others. First, optimism. For example, we could think, “This is going to be a simple Pesach. No extra cooking and fancy recipes.” We may also feel determined to keep going, but others may experience anger or irritation.

There also may be a sense of regret. “I should have fixed this before lockdown, or bought that before Pesach.”

“The human psyche tries to create equilibrium by creating a fantasy of what one can’t do in reality,” says Cohen. “We also may feel overwhelmed, or despair at missing loved ones and what we took for granted. Finally, we will begin to make meaning of our new normal, seeing it as a time of service to greater humanity, keeping safe, and keeping others safe too.

“The process is one of grief and loss. But if we can edit the experience with meaning, then we will be able to balance the losses and the gains in order to make this time more manageable,” says Cohen.