Mom overcomes tragedy and inspires others to survive

MOIRA SCHNEIDER

It all started 20 years ago. Her daughter, Lucy, aged four, had come home from school with a tummy ache. The family had gone to Scarborough for the weekend, but the little girl was “clearly off colour”, she recalled, though she had no temperature.

As the doctor arrived, Lucy stopped breathing and died. Lucy had been the victim of a “sudden catastrophic virus” about which nothing could have been done. “I joined the club that no-one wants to join,” Shaper said.

Shaper, a life coach, was addressing the topic, “Authentic resilience – surviving tragedy” at a Nechama breakfast last Tuesday. Nechama is a Jewish organisation that offers counselling for the bereaved.

She was born and educated in London, working as a buyer for Marks & Spencer before coming to live in South Africa.

Four years after Lucy’s death, her husband, internationally renowned songwriter Hal Shaper, was diagnosed with a rare lymphoma for which there was no cure, and passed away soon afterwards. Shaper was left a widow at 38, with three children aged 5, 11, and 12.

She recalls how tough it was getting back on her feet and becoming independent. At the time, “the wheels fell off Jack” (12) who became “very, very rebellious”, she said.

Eight days after Hal died, Shaper’s sister and only sibling, Helen, died of a brain tumour. “When I needed my mom and dad, they were with her in London, and I couldn’t go there because the kids needed me,” she remembers.

In addition, her daughter Pia was born with a craniofacial abnormality, and has had 23 surgeries. She has almost died on a number of occasions.

But back to that call in 2015. Jack, then 24, was in a much better space, and had just called Shaper on the eve of her 50th birthday.

Ten minutes later, she received another call to say that he had had a very serious car accident, and she should get there immediately. Rushing to Stellenbosch Hospital, she found him fighting for his life.

“Once again, I had the experience of knowing exactly when my child’s soul left his body,” she said, referencing Lucy’s death. “Jack had been into Buddhism, and I could hear him saying, ‘Mom, just breathe.’

“After years of asking, ‘Why? Why me? Why again?’ I knew there was no answer,” she told the audience.

Asked how she has coped with her many losses, Shaper said, “Grief is unique to every single one of us and the death we’re going through. We make a mistake in saying how grief should be.”

Describing the five accepted stages of grief as “a most dangerous thing”, she said, “The truth is grief is messy, it goes all over the place, and you can’t say you go from one stage to another. We do ourselves a disservice when we say we’re not grieving properly.”

Two years after Hal died, Shaper befriended a woman who had also been widowed with three kids. The two formed the Widows Club with the intention of offering hope and inspiration to others in the same position.

“Family, faith, and friends are the things that get you through,” she said. “Friends for me have been unbelievable – they have become my lifeline. One of my friends organised three funerals for me. I said that the least I could do was let her organise my wedding for me,” referring to her second marriage to Sean 10 years ago.

“Harry was only nine months old [at the time of Lucy’s death], and it was a joy to have a baby who knew nothing of what was going on. That kept me going. My late husband Hal also kept me going.

“When my son Jack died, I was so fortunate to have Sean [her second husband] to keep me going. I have been so fortunate to marry into two fantastic families.”

Monday night dinners have always been a “big thing” for the family, and they continue to this day. “Jack’s friends still come, and it makes me feel as if Jack’s still at the dinner table with me.”

As for her faith, she said it had become smaller and stronger. “It’s been tested to the hilt, and I know that I can’t lose it. Writing has always been extremely important to me – and humour. People find a creative place for their grief, and I’ve realised it’s an important part of resilience.”

She went on to say that her daughter, Pia “is the most resilient young woman. She has moved to London, and is studying to be a social worker.”

Three years ago, Shaper co-authored the Resilience Workshop with Gabi Lowe (who lost a daughter) where they teach the “ten Rs of resilience” through concrete examples and exercises so that individuals learn not only how to survive the adversities of life, but how to thrive even in harsh conditions.

“You’ve either been through a bereavement, or you will go through one,” Shaper said. “No-one gets away unscathed. Know this: you will survive, you are stronger than you think.

“I want you to hear my story and say, ‘If she can do it, so can I.’”

Asked if she was afraid that others around her would die, Shaper said, “Nothing in life is permanent. Everything we have and love can go at any second. I’ve been close to death once – I was hijacked and had a gun held to my head, and I thought, ‘Oh, it’s my turn now.’

“I live my life with such joy and acceptance, and appreciate everybody I love because it can go at any second.”

She conceded, however, that anger had been her primary emotion. “I went into deep therapy for three and a half years after Hal died, and I still see a therapist now.”

Fourteen years ago, Shaper co-founded Home from Home, a non-profit organisation that provides supervised community-based foster care for vulnerable children. At present, it is running 36 family homes in the Western Cape.