More sensitivity needed in house of mourning

Anne Lapedus Brest, Johannesburg

Not only do some women go to the cemetery dressed in pants, they smoke cigarettes and a “zol” publicly, and chat away in loud voices while walking behind the coffin.

How disgusting! They should stay at home.

Shiva houses are hectic. People talk at the top of their voices, totally forgetting the reason they are at the house. I have seen mourners looking glazed and staring ahead, yet people are going on ad nauseum about their wonderful children, their achievements, the holidays they are planning, and family get-togethers. Though the mourners look pained, nobody notices.

Half the people who go to shiva homes want details, want to see and be seen, want it said that they were there, but how much do they know about their supposed role? Their role is to keep quiet, and be there as a comfort to the mourner. If the mourner speaks, then they too should speak, but in a soft voice. They shouldn’t stay too long, it’s draining, unless of course it involves a sister, brother, or close family relative.

While the mourners may well want to hear about your wonderful grandchildren on Facebook, I doubt they find it a fascinating topic while they are mourning a beloved parent, husband/wife, or G‑d forbid a child or grandchild. Waxing lyrical about your children or holidays is inappropriate and insensitive.

I suggest that just like the Beth Din has a sign up at simchas to say the food is under the supervision of the Beth Din, there should be a sign on the front door of a shiva house as follows: “You are entering a shiva house of mourning. Please speak softly, and refrain from chattering. Please switch your phone to silent, and try not to use it while you are comforting the mourners. Mourners are emotionally and physically drained. Keep your visit comforting, but short.