Observant Jews preoccupied with ‘crisis’ of unmarried singles

JORDAN MOSHE

The so-called “shidduch crisis” – the growing number of eligible Jewish singles who are not finding a spouse – is a growing preoccupation across the Jewish world.

Concern about prolonged singlehood continues to gain prominence in modern-orthodox society, and the perception that young Jews are remaining single for longer is being debated across various platforms.

Perception is one thing, but is it a real crisis, and just how true is it in the local orthodox community?

The phenomenon is more acute in some places than others, says Dr Ari Engelberg. “The term ‘crisis’ is more American than Israeli. It’s known as the religious Zionist singles ‘problem’ in Israel. It’s a matter of perception, perhaps worse in some places than others.”

Engelberg is a sociologist and anthropologist at the Israeli Hadassah Academic College. He devoted his doctoral studies to dissecting this issue in religious Israeli society. His findings help to shed light on the wider issue outside of Israel.

“More religious Jewish people today aren’t getting married quickly or are staying single,” he says. “It’s a problem on various levels, both for the people themselves and their communities.

“Like any conservative ideology, family values form part of orthodox Judaism. Being religious and not having a family is seen as an issue.”

Engelberg says the rise of individualism, consumer culture, and more modern perceptions of love and relationships partly account for the problem. “These things lead to people having a harder time in deciding who to marry,” he says. “Singles are spending longer on the market, leading to a feeling of crisis.

“The single person is caught in a conflict between religious values and reality. Orthodox Judaism champions family and community, while modern culture is more relaxed, celebrates individual freedom, and self-actualisation. These are powerful forces, and people are caught.”

Engelberg says the singles he engaged with all want to get married. “Some are happy to wait but ultimately do want to marry. However, social forces sometimes mean they don’t find a spouse until they’re in their 30s, or even older. Modern expectations of marriage, emotional intimacy, and perceptions of self come into play, and people are left waiting. This wait clashes with orthodox values, people get worried, and it fuels belief in a crisis.”

“If people are experiencing a crisis, we say there is one,” he says. “For the Zionist religious group, it’s a crisis because they want to be part of the religious community, but experience barriers because they are unmarried and ageing. Role models in the community are not getting married, there’s a growing number of older singles, and even divorced religious people. The central value of Jewish family is challenged by people living lifestyles which don’t conform to the orthodox norm.”

Ultimately, even if it isn’t a crisis, there is certainly a lot of hand-wringing going on. The thought of being single in the religious community is devastating for many, raising issues which supposedly clash with orthodox norms.

Many modern orthodox youth still do marry before 25. Engelberg points out that some prefer to marry later, but they are a decided minority.

This is also true for the shidduch system, in which singles are introduced to one another for the purpose of a lasting relationship geared towards marriage. Although typically used by more religious people, it isn’t the sole preserve of the ultra-orthodox, and is popular amongst the modern orthodox as well.

According to local shadchanim, the singles problem in South Africa occurs for a variety of reasons.

“South Africa has a very broad spectrum of people looking to find a match,” says Mandy Kaufman, a shadchan who has been in the industry for ten years. “From the modern orthodox to the ultra, people find the shidduch system opens things up. You think you know everyone out there, but realise how many more there are when you get into the system.”

Kaufman acknowledges that young people are not meeting socially the way they used to. Another problem is that people enter the dating space at different phases in their lives.

“Girls are ready to enter a relationship and marry sooner than boys,” she says. “In South Africa, modern orthodox girls leave school, spend some time in a seminary, return to study, and are looking to marry. Boys take longer. They finish school and perhaps go to yeshiva for a few years, get a degree, and don’t yet think about marriage. They start looking at the age of 23 or 24, and by that time, the girls have been sitting around waiting. These girls and their parents panic, and the girls pursue the boys because they’ve been waiting.”

Mark Tocker, a former shadchan of 15 years, agrees that there is a disparity in age and expectation, saying that the situation is made worse by parents who try to get involved. “Parents are getting more involved. They are blocking suggestions, saying that the people their children or even matchmakers suggest don’t fit their criteria.

“There are multiple problems in modern-orthodox dating. Age discrepancies, the demands of reality, parents, different expectations, and a lack of education all come into play. The shidduch world does yield success, but it’s in doubt for many.”

When people don’t opt for the shidduch system, they often try social platforms and events – such as those offered by youth movements – to better their prospects. Add to the mix that some want to date casually and others want to marry, both while having the same religious values, and you can see why the situation is so complex.

Ultimately, Tocker argues that frum (observant) youngsters need to put themselves out there to make a match happen. “Whether it’s an informal match made through friends at a lunch, a social event, or a traditional shadchan, frum Jewish youth need to make an effort,” he says. “Social networks can develop if people involve themselves in the social space.”

He says religious youth need relationship coaches to whom they can turn at any point in the dating or marriage process so they aren’t on their own. “Their parents lived a different reality in most cases, so they are unable to help them. Parents can offer moral support, but the youth needs more than that.”