Plan seating in advance, or be air-fried

There’s nothing quite as anxiety producing as a relaxed host – those who nonchalantly wave their arms as if they haven’t a care in the world, and say, “I don’t mind, sit anywhere.”

How horrifying it is to contemplate arriving at a function only to find out that seating hasn’t been assigned and that it’s a free for all. And that every relationship that you have known is about to be tested. It’s not out of the question that there’s a chance the evening might well conclude with friendships in tatters, family bonds broken, because they didn’t think of reserving you a seat. This could result in forcing you to spend an evening in conversation – G-d forbid – with “CrossFitters” and “air-fryers”.

Shabbat meals are a high danger zone. Seating is an art that’s in terrible danger of being lost. And as we lose the skill, so the quality of our meals and our social interactions will diminish with it. I would argue that much like hypertension, poor seating is a silent killer. And we’re all at risk.

My late father was good at many things. Seating his guests wasn’t one of them. For some reason, he had the notion that couples who were friendly should be seated next to each other. Never opposite. The result was a long row – they had a 20-seater table – of people who would otherwise enjoy a great conversation, unable to do so as they wouldn’t be able to see them, let alone engage with them throughout the meal. Friendless CrossFitters would be seated opposite, rendering the meal a mindless dessert of unstimulating dialogue.

To be fair, it’s not simple. My wife and I have never quite figured out if it’s better to separate men and women or intersperse them. Invariably, conversations diverge along with interests, and both would prefer that the other was out the way. But few are brave enough to risk their spouse thinking that they prefer not to be seated near them. And so, in the interest of shalom bayit (peace in the home), the pretence continues until by silent signal, places are shifted and sexes are separated.

A few years ago, I mentored a female chief executive who was struggling with her team. Her style was collaborative, and she believed in creating a low power distance culture. This meant she wanted her people to be empowered and to challenge when they thought it appropriate. The problem was that they didn’t fully grasp that her style was at her discretion, and that her position was still one of seniority. We needed to find a way to remind them of that without changing her approach.

One of the remediations I recommended was to send them nonverbal messages that established her position without spelling it out. Like making sure that she sat at the head of the boardroom table whenever they met. And that they knew not to take her seat. She would place her people next to her when meeting with external parties, underscoring her role.

Because seating placement matters, no matter the event.

Best practice recommends that we think about seating before our guests arrive. It’s important that spouses concur, and that the table is designed to allow for a free flow of conversation. This means placing CrossFitters and air-fryer enthusiasts where they can do the least possible harm.