SONA 2023 – I need a Xanax!

Last week’s presidential State of the Nation Address (SONA) was once again held in the Cape Town City Hall after Christmas Mafe Guy Fawkes-ed our democracy last year by setting the Houses of Parliament ablaze.

Predictably, the proceedings commenced with our annual political fashion show, as members of parliament poured themselves into ill-fitting dresses and fancy-dress costumes best worn on Halloween. The gaudy, glitzy fashions seemed tone-deaf to a nation struggling with poverty, unemployment, and ongoing electricity blackouts.

Not wanting to be outsmarted by the African National Congress’ (ANC) catwalk, the Democratic Alliance (DA) decided to arrive in sombre black. Rather than looking elegant and sophisticated, their polyester suits were reminiscent of the waiters at a Stan & Pete function.

Watching the podgy politicians, the obese soldiers loading cannons for the 21-gun-salute, and the round bellied security officials, the proceedings looked like a failed Weight-Watchers convention. At the risk of being accused of “fat-shaming”, rarely have I seen so many fat people in one location.

The president shuffled to the podium and stopped to sip water five words into his address. He seemed surprised that the Economic Freedom Fighters (EFF) hadn’t objected to his presence, or maybe he was just very thirsty.

Not wanting to allow the opportunity to pass, the EFF stood, speaker after speaker, to raise “points of order” against the president. Each time Cyril Ramaphosa got up to speak, he was met with a new barrage of EFF objections. To quote British comedian Rowan Atkinson, “He was up and down like a whore’s drawers.”

There was nothing new in the EFF’s “points of order” shenanigans. It was as predictable as The Fast and Furious 7. We’ve seen it all before and we know how it’s going to end.

The speaker, dressed in what looked like curtains salvaged from the burnt ruins of the parliamentary building, ejected the EFF from the proceedings.

Determined to add a new spin to their “point of order” franchise, Julius Malema and his boy band stormed the stage, wearing their red workers overalls and, what Twitter pointed out, were R15 000 Gucci loafers. The EFF appeared to have no plan about what to do once it had successfully mounted the dais. If ever there was an analogy, that was it.

Within moments, a gang of burly security guards pushed the protesters from the platform. Some of the security wore green camouflage uniforms and balaclavas. It’s hard to fathom the need for camouflage inside the City Hall unless they were hiding behind the pot plants – who knows?

Police Minister Bheki Cele, adorned in his standard Dick Tracy fedora hat, likened the EFF’s mounting of the stage to Dimitri Tsafendas, the parliamentary messenger, who stabbed Prime Minister Hendrik Verwoerd to death during a sitting of the House of Assembly in 1966. Julius, however, was armed with only his sharp wit and a piece of paper that read, “Ramaphosa step down now”. I don’t think he’ll be in coalition with Ramaphosa any time soon.

Not to be outdone, John Steenhuisen, the leader of the DA, felt the need to capture time in front of the TV cameras. Steenhuisen, in a display of cringeworthy “Karenhood”, objected to the timing of the entry of the parliamentary security guards who protected the president, almost asking the speaker to see her manager.

In response, the Freedom Front Plus rose to its feet to give Steenhuisen a snotklap, supporting the security forces, and telling the leader of the opposition that it was their job to protect the president.

In the second act of this drama, a dishevelled president finally took to the dais to deliver his address, which turned out to be longer than the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

Ramaphosa announced the appointment of yet another cabinet minister, the Minister of Electricity, much to the surprise of the other two members of cabinet who both thought that they were responsible for electricity supply. The minister of minerals and energy, Gwede Mantashe, soon explained that the new cabinet minister would be more like a “project manager”. We all know how effective politicians are as project managers. Let me rephrase that, we all know how effective cabinet ministers are.

The other big news of the evening was the declaration of a State of Disaster. The president seemed determined to spring this declaration upon us as a surprise, informing us that as he was speaking, the declaration was surreptitiously being gazetted. This sneaky act of gazetting prevents us from rushing out to buy open-toed shoes, rotisserie chickens, and alcohol, which were all banned during our COVID-19 State of Disaster.

Almost a week later, Biznews pointed out that in spite of the State of Disaster having been urgently sprung upon us, the government was yet to take any action under its declaration.

A few days later, the government declared another State of Disaster, this time relating to the floods around South Africa. How many states of disasters does one need for a full house? At least the new State of Disaster stems from natural rather than ANC causes.

In terms of the Disaster Management Act, the minister of co-operative development is empowered to take any action to solve the electricity supply problem. Given that the cause of the problem is the ANC’s own theft, corruption, and mismanagement, I look forward to Minister Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma removing the ANC from power.

The remainder of the speech appeared to be a collection of one liners strung together without any theme or purpose.

Subsequent to SONA, Steenhuisen lambasted the president for declaring the State of Disaster, in spite of him having demanded that one be imposed in November 2022.

The evening had some clear winners and losers.

On the winners’ side:

Speaker Nosiviwe Noluthando Mapisa-Nqakula, whose name is impossible for anyone to pronounce (you try), held it together in impossibly difficult circumstances. The Freedom Front Plus came out with flying colours, strong, no-nonsense, and supportive. But the clear victor of the evening was former Miss South Africa, Basetsana Kumalo, who crushed it in, what I’m told, is a pale, seafoam green, body-hugging piece of couture magic.

On the losers’ side:

The president failed to impress with his rambling, two hour, 15 minute address which appeared passive, disjointed, and lacking any answers. His attempt to channel former President Thabo Mbeki in saying, “For we are a nation defined not by the oceans and rivers that form the boundaries of our land. We are not defined by the minerals under our earth or the spectacular landscape above it,” fell completely flat, and pissed off the former president. Ramaphosa’s office offered an apology.

Also falling flat was the leader of the opposition, Steenhuisen, whose whining Hamlet equivocations, brought him no new friends.

The final loser of the evening has to be the EFF, whose attempt at a January 6 insurrection overplayed its hand, and made it look unfit to participate in a parliamentary democracy.

When the speaker opened the session, she mistakenly said, “We will now have an opportunity for silent prayer or medication.” By the time the evening ended, I definitely needed the medication!

• Howard Sackstein is chairperson of the SA Jewish Report.