Stand-in moms fill the void for mothers

No-one can fill the void of losing your mother, but having a special woman in your life who plays a similar role is priceless. This Mother’s Day, three women pay tribute to women who supported them through heart-breaking loss and their own motherhood journeys.

“If it wasn’t for the amazing women in my life – my aunties and mother-in-law – I can’t even begin to imagine how differently things would have turned out,” says Robyn Rosen. After giving birth to her daughter in January, Rosen suffered a severe stroke. Paralysed and unable to speak, she remained in intensive care for 12 days and underwent months of intensive rehabilitation to learn to walk and talk again.

With the help of her support system, Rosen made a full recovery and now is back to work and immersing herself in motherhood. Having lost her mother to breast cancer, Rosen, who was 16 at the time, is no stranger to overcoming adversity – with the help of loved ones.

“My aunts all did whatever they could, from school lifts to helping with homework to taking us on holiday with them,” she says. “They were just there for my brother and me. My mom’s sister, Sheryl Ginsburg, was like my mother. She’s looked after me ever since my mom died. My other aunts, Sheryl Ozinsky, Caz Freidman, Hayley Pogrand, and Debby Myers, were also very much involved.”

Originally from Cape Town, Rosen now lives in Johannesburg and says her aunts dropped everything to fly to Joburg and help look after her baby when she wasn’t able to. “My mother-in-law, Cynthia, would do night shifts with her, and my aunts did the day shift until we got nurses and determined exactly what was wrong with me,” she says.

With no family living in Joburg, Rosen has also leaned on Cynthia. “She was also in ICU when she had her children, so it was like déjà vu for her, she understood, it just solidified our bond. Her daughter had her first baby just two weeks after me, so her hands were full, but she’s just selfless.”

Though Rosen was sad not to be able to be hands-on with her baby at first, she’s grateful to her “mom network”.

“My biggest fear when I was pregnant was not having a mother to help me. I was scared that I wouldn’t know anything, being a first-time mom without my mother. But my aunties and my mother-in-law filled that void. Of course, my mother will never be replaced, but they mobilised, as Jewish women do, with grace and unconditional love.”

Jade Dracht was also supported by her aunt when her mother passed away from cancer in 2016. The eldest of six siblings, Dracht’s mother was particularly close to her sister, Rolene Hovsha, who was two years younger than her. “Rolene and I have also always been close, and we just became more so as we dealt with my mom being sick,” says Dracht.

“Towards the end, my aunt stepped in financially, physically, emotionally, and helped take care of my mom, myself, and my brother.” Dracht’s father suffered a stroke the year before losing his wife, which impaired his speech and left him paralysed. “I went from having these wonderful, largely healthy parents to moving my dad to Sandringham Gardens and losing my mom. Rolene essentially took over the role of parent.”

When her mother passed away, Dracht had two-year-old twin boys. “She was the most amazing bobba in the time that she could be with them. Now my aunt does whatever she can to be involved in my kids’ lives. She’s genuinely interested because she feels that pain, loss, and emptiness as much as I do, and she knows how besotted my mom was with them. Having this comfort from the one person in the world who actually gets it has been huge.”

A year after her mother passed away, Dracht gave birth to a baby girl. “Falling pregnant with my daughter was a complete shock because my boys had been fertility babies,” she says. Dracht believes her daughter was a gift from her mom. “For Rolene, it was also very special. She was there for the birth and during the pregnancy, which was really difficult for me, having just lost my mom. In every aspect, as much as she’s not my mom, Rolene is just there.”

It was also through having her own children that Sian Propheta most appreciated the support of her own “mother figure”, her mother-in-law, Ariela. Having lost her father at the age of five, Propheta had a complicated but loving relationship with her mom, who was left alone to raise two daughters.

When her mother later died of cancer, Propheta was just 26. Later, the support of her mother-in-law as she entered motherhood was invaluable. Coincidentally, her in-laws had been good friends with her parents when they were all in their 20s.

“When my mom got ill, I was already dating my husband and Ariela was a big help to me. It was special because there were a lot of pictures and stories that my in-laws had of my folks that I would never have been exposed to if I hadn’t met my husband. From the beginning, there was a special bond because of this family connection. Ariela has been my maternal rock.”

Now a mom to two small children, Propheta has leaned heavily on Ariela. “The biggest thing about not having a mom when you are a parent is just having someone to hold you and say, ‘Everything’s going be okay’ and ‘What you’re doing is enough’ when you’re feeling desperate,” she says.

“Nothing can replace your mom, but I feel like I’ve got to that point with Ariela, for which I’m so grateful. Her being able to share how vulnerable she felt as a new mom makes me realise what I’m feeling is ok. The biggest lesson I’ve learned from her is that you can give all of yourself to your children, but make sure that you look after yourself as well.”