Suggested travel itinerary for Shashi Naidoo

HOWARD SACKSTEIN

Dear Shashi

Thank you for booking the BDS-supervised propaganda tour of Palestine. We are delighted that you have recovered from the battering and abuse our supporters have subjected you to. We are also thrilled you are now able to afford this propaganda tour despite the enormous financial harm we have done to you and your business as revenge for disagreeing with us.

Given the abuse, the threats of rape and murder you were subjected to, the official tour hashtag will be #MeToo.

We are sure that you now understand that freedom of speech is overrated, and it is best if you don’t pack these Western ideals with you for the trip to Palestine. Please remember, we are generally Islamic fundamentalists, much like Islamic State, Al-Qaeda, and Boko Haram, so bikinis are haram (forbidden). But the weather can be hot, so please bring a suicide vest, if you have one. Luckily, while in Palestine you will not be burdened by democracy, freedom of speech, or freedom of expression, just like all other Palestinian citizens, so pack light.

The standard propaganda tour will take place in Bethlehem, the birthplace of Jesus; and Jerusalem, which we have now renamed Al Quds, to make sure there is no Jewish connection to the city. You would then be taken to the “apartheid wall” which stops us from bombing Israeli children in the nightclubs of Tel Aviv. Finally, you would see the glittering neon lights of the casinos of Jericho, where Israeli gambling losses fund our terror cells and suicide bomber stipends.

One of the additional highlights we can add to your itinerary is a tour of the street poles where we hang homosexuals in Gaza. Given that it is Pride month, it’s a lovely colourful scene with many gays swinging in the wind.

On the same tour of Gaza, we can add in the beautifully picturesque buildings from whose roofs we throw the supporters of the Palestinian Authority’s Fatah movement.

The architecture is stunning, and if you are lucky, you might even be able to see a mob execution silhouetted against the red glow of sunset across the Mediterranean.

These are wonderfully enthralling sights, full of ambiance and style. Don’t forget to try the hummus and pita, another thing the Israelis stole from us.

If you have time, add a Hamas torture chamber. On Wednesdays, we can arrange a tour of a suicide bomb factory, or the place where we keep Israeli hostages for ransom.

An additional highlight of the Gaza tour is the launch sites from where we have fired 11 000 rockets at Israeli civilians. You can also view the kite manufacturing facilities where we make incendiary devices to send over the border to burn Israeli farms. There is a magnificent glow from the Israeli farms ablaze, it will go so well with your lovely complexion.

Please do not try cross the Gaza border into Egypt, as this border is closed due to our arming of the Islamic Brotherhood in Egypt. The Egyptians can be so picky when it comes to Islamic fundamentalist insurgencies in their own country.

Due to the Palestinian Authority’s failure to pay the salaries of public servants in Gaza, we might be forced to cancel your tour of the Hamas terror tunnels which run under the international border fence into Israel. These tunnels are a wonderful way to see how well we spend international aid for Gaza.

As a special treat, we will take you into a Gaza school, where we teach children how Jews have no right to a homeland, and how we will drive them into the sea when we conquer the land. “From the river to the sea, Palestine will be free.” It’s a lovely song. You can download this traditional Palestinian melody off iTunes.

When returning to the West Bank from Gaza, please remember to condemn Hamas to the Palestinian Authority, or you could land up in jail in Ramallah.

While in Ramallah, our capital, we could arrange an excursion for you to the gravesite of Yasser Arafat, one of the few world leaders to steal more money than the Guptas and Jacob Zuma combined. Unfortunately, the Arafat family are unable to meet you due to the strenuous commitments of their luxury-plundered lifestyle in Paris.

Please do not ask Palestinian Authority leaders where Jews are allowed to live in their country. They have already made it abundantly clear that no Jews are allowed to own land or live in Palestine. It worked well in Germany during World War II, and it can work for us. This is not apartheid. Repeat, this is not apartheid.

If you are lucky enough to meet our President, Mahmoud Abbas, please ask him to repeat the delightful theory about how Jews exaggerated the Holocaust. He will also tell you how the entire connection between Jews and Israel is fabricated. Although much of the civilised world has condemned our President for these remarks, we believe that an evening of traditional Palestinian story-telling is a must.

We kindly suggest that you don’t mention elections or democracy while on this propaganda mission because some things are best left unsaid.

We last voted in 2005, and that was more than enough democracy for us. We didn’t like the results of that election, so Hamas murdered many of the Palestinian Authority’s officials in Gaza thereafter.

As we oppose the rights of Jews to a homeland, we kindly request that you do not ask for any of the following side trips: A visit to southern Israel, where kids live in bomb shelters under the constant threat of Palestinian rocket fire; a visit to the victims of Palestinian terror; or try to get an understanding of why the Palestinians keep on rejecting offers for an independent homeland despite repeatedly requesting one.

Being in Palestine can be fun and exciting. Pick up a stone and throw it while you are there, its great exercise. We already know that Gaza is not a sh*thole because we specifically targeted you for saying that. So expect Louis Vuitton luxury.

We know that you will have a wonderful stay, and we know that we will long abuse you as our poster child role model. That’s how we target and destroy any person who disagrees with us. You will be a wonderful tourist and tool for us. We are so happy that you chose our propaganda tour of Palestine.

For future reference: We also promote entertaining tours of Iran, where you can witness how the Islamic fundamentalist regime brutally crushed the green revolution while sipping non-alcoholic cocktails on the veranda of your hotel. And, we can take you to Syria, where we do a sound and light show on the graves of the 250 000 Syrians murdered by the Assad regime. We hope you choose one of these options for your next tour with us.

Yours sincerely

BDS Travel