Suicide-prevention experts call on community to change the narrative

A woman who has battled mental-health issues and suicide attempts since her teen years; a mother grieving the loss of her son to suicide; and a rabbi determined to change narratives that have the potential to kill were all brought together by Hatzolah to save lives by speaking the unspeakable.

“Mental health and suicide needs to be seen as a community issue requiring a community solution,” said Sheri Hanson, Hatzolah’s mental-health co-ordinator, at a talk in Joburg this week arranged by Hatzolah Connect, an anonymous chatline for teens and young adults battling mental-health issues.

Lyr Weltsman, the founder of Breaking the Chalk, a digital mental-health company that counsels youth and families, shared her struggle with mental illness.

Her roller coaster journey started when she was just 14. “My condition was so extreme and so sudden, that we had no idea what was going on,” she said. Though she had a happy home and a close-knit family, everything shifted. “Internally, it felt like something had died. High school was a pressure pot with so much self-expectation. I was on a high and not stopping, but everything that goes up has to come down, and I smashed down.” She was later diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

Her parents took her to a therapist, something that saved her in the long-term. Yet at the time, suicidal thoughts soon became part of her everyday life. “Mental-illness symptoms can be breathtakingly strong. Think about it as a disability,” she said.

Weltsman soon stopped attending school. She argued that if the school had enough mental-health support or resources, it would have been life-changing.

Weltsman became stuck in a cycle of self-harm, something she describes as an addiction. “It’s the place you go to for any sort of release of your inner pain. I was petrified of what I was doing, I didn’t know what I was doing, but I knew I needed it, and it’s never left me since.” She ended up in hospital more than ten times after multiple suicide attempts.

“When someone is suicidal, there’s a deep sense of loss which brings helplessness and hopelessness,” she said. “It’s not about not wanting to live life, it’s [about] not being able to cope or fathom that you’ll continue life in that pain. Life doesn’t seem worth it. You try everything to get better, but you don’t see the light. The pain and numbness is immense, it overtakes everything.”

“The only way to prevent suicide and get people to ask for help and support them is by speaking about it. We cannot rationalise it, we can only attempt to understand and learn without judgement.”

When Jodi Seef and her husband, Justin, lost their son, Adam, to suicide in 2019 – a loss that shocked the community – their world was shattered. Yet, Jodi has found catharsis by speaking about Adam.

“How do I get up in the morning and carry on?” she asked. “I get up because I don’t want another family to endure the tragedy that my husband, Justin, my daughter, Megan, and I have endured. I get up for you, Adam, to share your story. If just one life can be saved due to awareness of suicide prevention and the reduction of stigma around mental health, then Adam has fulfilled his purpose.”

Through his suicide note, Jodi gained insight into her son’s silent struggle. “Everyone around him thought that Adam had it all together. But to Adam, it wasn’t so. In that note, Adam revealed the struggle he had with anxiety and mental health and that he was so, so tired,” she said. “All Adam wanted was to escape the unbearable pain. Adam felt lost. I’m certain that he couldn’t reconcile the person he portrayed to those around him with the person he was inside. He didn’t feel safe sharing his inner demons for fear that he would push loved ones away, and this left him feeling even more isolated. He chose not to share with anyone, and he had every opportunity – there were so many people in his life. Obviously, we would have accepted all his intricacies and would have done everything in our power to help him.

“Adam had it all, was popular with his peers, excelled academically, and he had his whole future ahead of him. That still wasn’t enough for him. He was self-critical. In spite of all the love, support, and light that Adam was surrounded by, Adam lived his life in pitch darkness,” she said.

The Seef family is in awe of the continued impact Adam has had on suicide prevention through his cousin and closest friends’ initiative, Adam’s Forum, an anonymous platform free of hierarchy and judgement where you can feel comfortable sharing your innermost thoughts and demons.

Adam’s death had a huge impact on Rabbi Levi Avtzon of Linksfield Shul. “It turned me from a person awkward about death and totally unfamiliar with the darkness of suicide to someone who, unfortunately, is at the forefront of it,” he said.

To help ourselves and our children to not be overwhelmed by this world, we need to change the way we look at the challenges we face, Avtzon said. “There’s an incredible amount of anxiety that we put on ourselves as a culture, and we’re not asking the mental-health cost. One of the challenges facing our community is a culture of fear. This world is already so hard to navigate, but many people aren’t conscious of how much harder we make it for our children. What narratives are we telling them? That you’re not coping? You won’t get a job, get out?”

“We also have a narrative of what a good life is supposed to be – about having to be extraordinary – but only G-d knows what a good life is. When you take narratives of what it means to be good enough and compound them with serious underlying mental-health conditions, it’s a witch’s brew. Our community narratives are killing people.”

Ordinary is good enough, Avtzon said. “We’re all good enough.”