RABBI SHMUEL BLOCH

Delving Deeper

The power of words

A true story.

Two girls got on a bus and they started talking to each other.

“Did you hear that Sarah got engaged yesterday?” 

“No, I never knew that!”

“That’s amazing that Sarah got engaged!!”

“But she is so sloppy and unorganized! How is she going to run a household?”

“She is never on time. Also, she cooked for us once and her food was terrible! Her new husband is going to starve!!”

“She spends money faster than she receives it. How will she get through the month?”

So it went, on and on and on. Behind the two girls was another lady who suddenly spoke up.

“I am sorry to interrupt you girls but I wanted to introduce myself. My son just got engaged to Sarah. Now that I know this information, I will tell my son everything that you said about Sarah and he must break off the engagement immediately. I will also tell all my friends how grateful I am to you girls for letting me know what Sarah is really like”.

The girls were shocked. They started to stutter and struggled to find the right words.

 “No, No” they said with trepidation. Please do not let your son break the engagement.”

 “Sarah is wonderful! She will make a great mother! She really will!”

“She is so warm, friendly and caring”.

“We were just talking. We never meant her any harm”. “Please don’t break the engagement” they pleaded.

 However, the woman was adamant.

“Thank you, but based on what you said, I will make every effort to break it up as soon as possible. The girl you described sounds like a terrible person. I will inform my son immediately.”

The girls were horrified and crushed. After a short silence, the lady turned around to the girls and said “I am not the boy’s mother, but imagine if I was?”

“Do you know the damage you could have caused to this couple? You almost destroyed a potential family just because you had nothing else to talk about?”

“Words either build or destroy, use them wisely” the woman said sternly and with that she got off the bus.

This story should terrify us all.

The reason for this is because it is so easy to talk all the time without any concern for the consequences. However, unknowingly and unwittingly, we  could say things that have a far reaching impact and will tangibly cause distress and pain to others.

Part of our problem is that the following aphorism is embedded in our psyche from an early age and it still affects us years later.

“Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never harm me”

The tragedy of such a situation is that we have grown up believing such a statement is true. However, such a phrase is patently false and poisons our personality because despite the above stated assertion, words are powerful.

Communicating in a harsh and acidic way can destroy and debilitate a person for life.

“But it is only words” people say.

Scars from sticks and stones eventually heal. Scars from vitriolic and harmful words can take an entire lifetime to overcome and in some cases, will plague a person forever.

Rabbi Yaakov Yisrael Kanievsky, one of the great Rabbi’s of the previous generation, said there are two ways to be better than the next person. One way is to grow, to toil and labour to bring out your own potential. If the other person does not follow a similar course of action, then you will surge ahead in comparison to someone else. The other way is to dig a hole and push the other person down. Automatically, you feel better and taller. Obviosly we should follow the first way.

In today’s society, using words to put a person down and hurt them has been elevated to an art form and is considered art in and of itself.

“Celebrity Roasts” are watched by millions of people, where the person with the sharpest insult is treated like a hero. Sarcasm and jokes that embarrass others are the bread and butter of comedians these days. Real comedy that does not wound or damage another person’s reputation is rare to find.

Gossip magazines live up to their name: They are full of gossip based on rumours and hearsay. Magazines such as these sell millions of copies. The amount of negativity that they generate is beyond our comprehension.

There is no limit to what the “Paparazzi” will do for a juicy story. Newspapers will carry huge headlines without any verification of the facts. When exposed for communicating falsehood, an apology is seldom forthcoming.

Nevertheless, we need to know and understand this is not the Jewish way.

This week’s Parsha discusses the concept of “Lashon Harah”. Lashon Harah is defined as information which is either derogatory or potentially harmful to another person. If a person spoke Lashon Harah, he would be struck with a sickness called “Tzaraas”.

Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch in his commentary on this Parsha dispels an age old myth by proving conclusively that Tzaraas is incorrectly translated as leprosy. Tzaraas is a physical manifestation of a spiritual disease. A person who had Tzaraas had to undergo an intense and lengthy purification process that would restore him back to good health, both spiritually and physically.

A person who was afflicted with Tzaraas is called a Metzorah, and was separated from the community and had to dwell alone.

“All the days that the affliction is upon him, he shall remain contaminated; he is contaminated. He shall dwell in isolation; his dwelling shall be outside the camp” (Vayikrah Chapter 13 verse 46).

Rashi, the foremost Torah commentator asks why a Metzorah specifically had to be quarantined and live by himself.

He answers by quoting the Talmud (Archin 16B) which states that this person, by speaking Lashon harah, caused husbands to be separated from their wives and friends from one other. He generated discord, conflict and friction with his hurtful words. Thus the Metzorah who caused so much isolation and segregation is removed and cut off from the community. This is done in the hope that he will contemplate and understand the terrible consequences that his words caused and will take positive action to change how he speaks in the future. 

The pen is truly is mightier than the sword. Negative speech which takes a few seconds to speak cannot be mended so easily.

Witnessing a new Shul being built, I noticed that it took only one week to level four houses by a bulldozer and clear away the rubble. Destruction is a swift and rapid process. However, it took over a year and a half of intensive construction to complete the building. Relationships that have take decades to be formed can be dissolved and obliterated forever by a few choice sentences and phrases.

That is how easy it is.

Does that mean according to all of this, we should just never talk and never exercise our gift of speech?

Not at all.

A knife can do wonderful things. It can prepare your food. It can cut your food into smaller pieces making it easier to eat. It can cut open a knot. It can help you cut wood to make a fire if you are camping. Alternatively, a knife can maim, harm and even kill a person. A knife is not intrinsically good or bad. It just depends on how you use it.

Speech is no different. Speech is not intrinsically good or bad. It all depends on how you use your words. A sarcastic comment can cripple a person emotionally for years. A single compliment can launch a person’s career and make them successful for life.

As in all areas of life, if person wants to succeed, you need a coach with extensive knowledge who will help you reach your desired goal. It is well known that athletes seek advice from professionals who are experts in their field. Following their advice causes the athlete to achieve peak performance.

Rabbi Yisrael Meir Kagan was one of the greatest Rabbis of the 20th century who died in 1933. He wrote a book called “Chofetz Chaim”. This book (which is now translated into easy English) is a guide that delineates the laws of Lashon harah and educates what can be said and what should not be said by people when speaking to one another. Remarkably, it further discusses situations when Lashon Harah must be spoken in order to avert being involved in a problematic relationship. The “Chofetz Chaim” has achieved world renown. This book is our “coach” as it were when it comes to having clarity as to what to say and how to say it. It is vital for every person to read and implement its timeless wisdom since there are so many questionable situations that requires guidance and understanding in order to be able to say the right thing.

Rabbi Yisrael Meir Kagan who wrote the book was an active and sought after speaker in his generation. He knew the power of words and how beneficial the right words can be. It is imperative that we follow his example and use our speech to praise, to compliment and to help others.

When we act in such a way, we can be sure that we will infuse goodness and positivity into ourselves, our families and our community like never before.

Try thinking before you speak for a week. It will be one of the best investments that you will ever make. Guaranteed.