The Reb Eye and the Eruv

Edited by ANT KATZ

User Choni submitted this hilariously goofy (supposed) letter from Louwtjie, supposedly the manageress of a resort just outside Johannesburg, to her (supposed) friend Anna after experiencing a (supposed ) Ohr Somayach Shabbaton held at the resort.

Howzitt? Ek moet vir jou sê last month is something I have to tell you about. We had staying here a lot of religious Jewish people, and I tell you the whole business just takes the biscuit https://www.sajr.co.za/images/default-source/default-album/eruv-humour1.jpg” class=”sfImageWrapper”>I scheme they all have hernias and that is what is the problem. So he says to me they need a wall around the whole camp and they need some staff to help them. Well, ek sê vir jou, I think reb eye has blown a fuse. I can’t see the bricks, I can’t see the cement, but this reb eye Shane, he calls two other rebs, reb Ian and reb Lawrence and we set off.

Now the top part of the camp he says is ok because the walls of the building are already there, but then we come to the river bank and he checks out the trees. Then he says ja well nou fine, between this tree and that tree we need a wall, and he is going to tie from tree to tree a piece of string to make his wall. Well I look and look and I can’t see any wall, but he says it’s fine.

I think that is why they call him reb eye – they can see things us ordinary mense can’t, so we carry on. Then we come to a tree that is no good because the embankment is too low. So he sends one of the other rebs and he finds a long narrow piece of board, and he ties it to the tree, and he says it is ok then we come to another place which is no good, and I tell you the truth, ek sê, he gets two pieces of bamboo, and he nails them up, one going up and one going across and he is happy.

Then the main reb eye arrives to inspect the wall. His name is reb eye other Bach. You remember we learned about this composer Bach at school, well this is the other Bach. Anyway he says this bamboo wall is no good, so you know what he does – he sends for two empty dustbins and he puts them there and says that’s it. The wall is fine and I must please tell the staff not to move the bins. so I call the staff and I tell them and they look at me like I am not running on four wheels. I felt so stupid, ek sê vir jou, and straight away I gets a tension headache from all this building of a wall I can’t see.

When i wake up on Saturday I see now all the rebs is carrying, so i think what reb Shane did was to cure their hernias. Hy is baie slim daardie bloke. They was all praying in the big hall, and I saw all the rebs took the sheets off the beds to cover themselves.

Then on Saturday night they prayed some more, then one reb comes out of the hall, he checks the moon in the sky, he goes back inside and then they all come out and do some praying and then do some exercise, standing up onto their toes.

Later a big reb eye from America comes to talk to them. His name was reb eye Wine, and I worked out that this is because he makes the wine they drink. Ek sê vir jou hierdie mense is baie strange. When they left I ran quickly to have three stiff dops and I felt much better. And you know what Anna, when I look outside now, I can also see the wall that reb eye Shane built

Louwtjie