True communication is a blessing

I heard a wonderful podcast some months ago with Rabbi Ido Fachter, the head of Beit Midrash LeMaaseh (the Practical Beit Midrash), in which he engages with issues relating to halacha and Israeli society. The discussion that stuck in my mind was, “In the aftermath of 7 October, is it permissible to greet someone with, ‘How are you?’”

The basis of the question is that it’s considered insensitive to ask a mourner, “How are you?”, as if expecting that the answer will be they are fine. Of course, they may not be, and shouldn’t be expected to be, and when the entire country is in mourning, shouldn’t we be showing that same sensitivity and restraint towards one another? Around the same time, I met an Israeli friend over Zoom, and warmly, innocently, and thoughtlessly asked, “How are you doing?” He looked at me in a silence for a moment, sighed, and replied, “k’mo kulam” (the same as everyone else).

Now, maybe you’re thinking, “Rabbi Sam, that’s moving and quite sad, but what does it have to do with parashat Balak?” First, not everything has to do with the parsha of the week, but second, it relates to the attention that we pay to others in our communication, not just in what we say, but in what is heard, and this dynamic certainly lies at the heart of the story of the Bilam so central to our parsha. Bilam plans to curse the Jewish people. He tries again and again to do so, but in the end, it’s beautiful blessings he proclaims. The story with his donkey is illustrative. He thinks that he is a great orator, but it’s Hashem who decides what’s ultimately heard, and even a donkey can communicate if Hashem wills it.

What I intended to communicate to my friend was that I cared about him, that I was interested in his welfare, but what he may have heard was a request to share his inner turmoil. How many miscommunications happen this way every day, when we think more about what we want to say than what may be heard through our words? True communication involves an openness and a curiosity about the inner world of the person we’re talking to. Rabbi Abraham Twerski says empathy is a kind of attuned guessing, making our best estimate of what the other person is feeling, and behaving accordingly. We rely on visual cues, tone of voice, and so much more, but not enough of the time on direct questioning – asking the other person what they understood about what we said or telling them what we understood about what they said.

When we think about ourselves in our communication, it can indeed come out as a curse. When Hashem directs us to connect with others, it can be a blessing for them, for us, and for the entire world. May we indeed all know such blessing!