Trump not clutching at straws with paper ban

I was never quite certain what delinquent turtles were doing with plastic straws, but I know that whatever it was, it was bad enough to get them banned. Now, it would seem, following the signing of a presidential order by Donald Trump that reversed a federal policy favouring paper straws, turtles are once again free to get back to their wicked ways.

I blame paper straws. It’s like they didn’t even try. Not only did they do little to deserve the appointment, but they seemed to assume that their tenure was secure, would never be challenged, and that no matter how soggy their service, we would suck it up and accept that they were here to stay. Even though no-one liked them.

Paper straws are the limp hand shakers of the beverage world. They are the dull guests that no-one wants to sit next to at dinner. They are the tedious do-gooders who when we laugh, remind us that there are hungry children in Sudan.

Paper straws are allergic to gluten, have asthma, and get a splotchy neck after drinking a glass of red wine, which they really “shouldn’t have” had. They need safe spaces, suffer from anxiety, and might well be vegan. They identify as something that they clearly are not, and are in desperate need of a cause. Any cause.

Thanks to Trump, the reign of paper straws has been curtailed. He criticised them as being ineffective, stating they “don’t work”, and that they “don’t last very long”. Something, I imagine no straw ever wants to hear.

Although not much was said about the Trump announcement, probably because of the magnitude of changes he enacted in his first few days in office, this is one of great significance. Not because of the straws themselves, but because it captures the essence of his focus and agenda. Do your job, or be replaced. And stop “guilting” us into accepting mediocrity because of your claim to care about the turtles. Paper straws are the perfect symbol of what we have been forced to accept.

They claim to care about turtles and marine life, but clearly, their primary agenda is to bring misery and sadness into the world. They won’t be happy, and won’t rest until everyone is drinking their iced coffee through a glorified toilet roll while self-righteously nodding at each other about saving the planet – one disintegrating sip at a time.

Meanwhile, the turtles, whom we have all so valiantly suffered for, are probably out there somewhere throwing wild underwater parties, double-fisting plastic straws like they’re VIP passes to the ocean’s hottest nightclub.

But now, thanks to Trump’s decree, we no longer have to endure the tyranny of soggy straws pretending to be heroes. The real lesson here? If you want to keep your job – whether you’re a straw, a government official, or an underwhelming dinner guest – you’d better do it well. Otherwise, like your waterlogged paper replacement, you’ll find yourself swiftly discarded, limp, and useless in the hands of a disappointed public.