When finding love later is right on time

Whether you meet your person much later than you expect or find love a second time around, it’s never too late to write your love story.

In marking Tu B’Av – the Jewish holiday of love – on 19 August, we celebrate those who believe in a lifetime of possibilities.

She’s in catering, he’s in coffee. Crossing paths at various simchas, their relationship now seems inevitable. But it took a while before Simon and Ilana Zelkin (nee Markowitz) discovered a love connection.

“We got along, but I just thought of him as a friend and business associate until I invited him over for Sukkot last year, and he took my hand,” Ilana recalls. Though the move was quite a shock for her, she has never looked back.

“We started dating at the end of September last year, got engaged at the beginning of March, and were married on 8 May,” she says. Ilana is 49 and Simon 56. Though the two planned their wedding quickly, mainly to give Ilana’s sick mother a reason to get out of bed and recover, marriage was inevitable. “Simon had been married before and didn’t want to do it again,” Ilana recalls. “I just thought we’d be life partners, but three months into dating, he was telling people he wanted to marry me.”

Simon says he knew he’d found the right person. “I dated quite a few people, but nobody was ever there for me, and Ilana was. Our values in life, Yiddishkeit, and business also intertwined. Everything was there.”

More than 20 years earlier, newly divorced and in his mid-30s, Simon re-entered the dating world with trepidation. “It was scarier than when I was younger,” he says. “The world has moved on while you’ve been married. You’re no longer the same person you were the first time around, and you’re set in your ways.”

Having never wanted children, Simon found it difficult to meet women who were child-free or shared his views. Asked what kept him hopeful, he says you have to believe in G-d’s plan. Similarly, Ilana credits her emunah (faith) with leading her to Simon.

“I had handed it over to Hashem, saying ‘I’d love to share my life and my home with someone but all in the right time and when it’s meant to be.’ I feel blessed that Hashem heard me. I didn’t give up hope, but I didn’t obsess about it.” It was also leading a full life and removing herself from a toxic relationship that she believes opened the door to meeting Simon.

With Simon, she knew things were different. “As you get older you don’t have a list of requirements,” she says. “You just want someone you can lie with, talk to at night, and feel comfortable with. He brings that. His love is non-conditional.”

Before Karin Arbeter began dating, Phil Arbeter ( who used to live across the road from her sister with his ex-wife)  she says she didn’t think she’d meet anyone. At 52, Phil was more than 16 years her senior, and she recalls being terrified to date him as she’d heard horror stories from his ex. Yet the truth was undeniable. Like Simon, Phil had sworn off marriage, but seven months later, he and Karin were under the chuppah. “Twenty-eight years later, and here we are,” Karin says.

She says the secret to a happy marriage is really considering the other person. “You have to give and take and negotiate things that are important to you and that are important to the other person. Be flexible. The worst thing you can do is to have a shopping list of what you’re looking for.”

Happily dating, Shana Ginsberg* says that when she got divorced four years ago, she was 56 and thought there was no way she would meet someone at that age. “I’m now 60 and realise there are lots of wonderful men out there – either divorced or widowed,” she says. “Dating at this age is fun because it comes without the angst and fear we have as young adults.”

The fact that she already has children and is clear about what she wants in a partner means that Ginsberg doesn’t feel like she’s on the clock. “In dating when you’re older, we all come with our baggage,” she says. “So, it’s not enough to find love and compatibility, it’s important to figure out if my baggage can fit with his baggage.”

Though well-meaning loved ones urge her not to be fussy, Ginsberg says she’s not willing to be with someone who’s not right for her. “I have long since learnt that there’s nothing better than a wonderful relationship, but being on my own is far better than being in a bad relationship.”

Never married, Susan Jacobson was 49 when she met her partner – a divorcé  four years younger than her – on Tinder. “I knew he was different because he was a bit shy, very patient, and just had a kind and honest-looking face,” she says. “After having kissed many a frog and dated people just for the sake of going on dates and seeing if anything would happen, I’d come home in tears, saying, ‘I’m never doing it again.’” Yet Jacobson would always get back out there, and learned not to compromise.

“I believe that if it’s meant to be, it will be. You can’t be too needy; you need to be happy in your own space first.” Today, she and her partner have been happily together for more than five years. They needed to adapt to living together, Jacobson says, yet the fact that they were embraced by each other’s families made everything easier.

“Flirt a little, just have fun, and stop worrying about meeting the one,” she advises those looking for love. “You need to meet a few people with different interests and different backgrounds to know what you’re looking for in life.”

*Not her real name