When tolerance is intolerable

Monday was International Tolerance Day. It was apparently borne in 1996, when the United Nations General Assembly invited UN member states to observe the day each year on 16 November. The decision followed the United Nations Year for Tolerance, 1995, proclaimed by the UN General Assembly.

On first blush, perhaps because the word “tolerance” is included in the name, the idea behind the day is wonderful, and speaks to the side of us that knows that we aspire to be accepting and inclusive of others. But, in my view, the day sounds a lot more heartwarming than it is in reality.

This was echoed by the first message of the day that I received on my show. At 06:10, before most people had the opportunity to brew their first coffee let alone drink it, a listener, buoyed by the knowledge that I’m not sensitive, wrote, “Howard Feldman is too catty to be tolerant.” They might not have been wrong, but it hardly elevated the conversation I was hoping to have.

To me, the concept at its core is problematic. The very idea of “tolerating” someone or something, or some group, implies an incredible amount of arrogance.

Who exactly does anyone think that they are to “tolerate” someone else? It implies that they would be, were it not for the effort that we exert, “intolerable”. The premise is offensive in and of itself because it hardly should be for us to tolerate anyone.

The second problem is that I’m not even certain that “tolerance” is always – or should be – aspirational. So often, when having a meal with my family, I’m reminded or reprimanded by my very “woke” children for being too judgemental.

The refrain of “Dad, we don’t judge!” is a constant companion to our time together. And irrespective of the fact that each time I’m censured, I counter with, “We do! We do judge!” they continue with the refrain. So engrained is the “non-judgemental” conviction.

We “judge” because that’s one of the ways we select our path in life. We “judge” because multiple times each day we are called on to make a decision about our behaviour.

And whether we like it or not, so often our choices are made relative to others. We might think that we have an internal moral compass, or that as Jews, Christians, or Muslims, we might, to a greater or lesser extent, find ourselves guided by those principles.

The reality is that the influence on us by our environment requires us to make decisions as to what works for us and what doesn’t. Indeed, we judge, because we have no choice but to do so.

Judgement and tolerance are connected. Although both are imperfect in isolation, together they provide us with a potential solution to the quandary.

Whereas we might judge the behaviour of others in order to determine our own choices, the tolerance for others speaks to our ability to separate behaviour from the person, and to acknowledge that we are all imperfect.

16 November, International Tolerance Day, wasn’t a day that was easy for my listeners. It was a day that seems to have brought out the worst in them. The day seemed to press all the wrong buttons and gave them permission to be less tolerant than normal. Not that it’s for me to judge.